This is a tough one to write.
Last month marked the end of my journey working as a research assistant, mainly under two projects, one being the healthcare utility for Orang Asli and another on religiosity with the wellbeing of Muslim elderlies. Yes, I definitely have learned a lot and gained many new experiences.
I'm remembering how I first joined, just from a flyer that was shared in Whatsapp and then just participating in the field trips to the Orang Asli villages on weekends while I was still working for another company. Looking back, I only now realize how I was pressured to take leave from my main job at that time to be assisting with the project haha. I ended up resigning from my previous role to focus on being an RA.
I remember asking for advice from my peers and seniors doing their PhD about working under this particular supervisor. There was a unanimous consensus: I was going to regret it. I ignored it, but at least I took the advice of others seriously to not commit to anything long-term that I was being encouraged to by the supervisor, e.g. Master or PhD.
My mental health and self-esteem were completely destroyed by the end of it.
Maybe I'm overreacting, but ever had an experience completely awful that you are convinced that some part of your brain changed due to it adapting (especially as a Psychology student who learnt about the effect of trauma)?
How do I describe the experience? There were incidents that may seem little, but I can't help but wonder if they were microaggressive in nature. From multiple times being asked why my skin was dark followed by laughter (god knows what she finds funny in that), to say that how I dress, me wearing tudung looked suspicious, to commenting that I had good English as a Malay, to bringing me to eat at non-Halal places twice with one serving pork mainly in the menu (even when others present suggested other places, and I shared about Chinese eateries that also serve halal food with good ratings across all Malaysians). It was funny that she was the main person teaching about cultural sensitivity and taking courses in multicultural knowledge to students.
And then there was the pay. How would you react when you were paid lower than other people in the same role who graduated in the same year with the same qualifications? I'll be honest. My mind instantly jumped to it being a race issue, when it most probably isn't, hopefully. Not only that, for another project, the maximum that I could claim per month as the monthly wage was 3 digits, and I was labelled as a staff doing admin work with diploma-level qualifications because apparently, it was diploma holder-level work. Under that pay, I was doing PhD-level interviews, data analysis, and thematic coding, and even held a solo 1-hour presentation of my findings to other prominent academicians and researchers. Even with that 3-digit maximum per month pay, I was scolded when I put in my hours of work to claim because I shouldn't use it up. I couldn't help but wonder, am I really worth this little?
I guess the biggest issue would be of clashing attitudes as well. Being scolded and shamed were typical occurrences. This was someone who demanded work to be done at night, on public holidays, weekends. I was shouted at during a meeting that I still attended when I had COVID, in which work goes on as usual. I was chastised through messages for doing a mistake in the work that was given despite knowing I was ill and having seen myself coughing and feeling weak from a week's journey of going through rain and strenuous physical activities in the Orang Asli village. Five official documents to create from scratch to be submitted in one day? Pass it on to Durrah. It didn't help that others who have worked with her confirmed a pattern that was common in abusive cycles: anger, verbal aggression and outbursts, etc. followed by a sudden reconciliation / calm phase e.g. suddenly messaging afterwards if I had lunch, or treating food, if it was out of guilt? Picture this: she warned us before an upcoming trip to an Orang Asli village to be ready for her moods, that she yelled at her previous research assistant (who apparently was kind enough to "forgive" her after).
I was the only "full-time" research assistant under her, but I seeked help from others who have previously worked under her. There was a PhD student who switched supervisors after not being able to stand her. Her current PhD student copes with psychiatric appointments and medications and is being told to "stop using mental health as an excuse" despite the supervisor coming from the mental health field. Her past RA who went for counselling. Another past RA who have yelled back at her. Funny yet sad phenomenon in which multiple post-Honours students like me who had dreams of furthering studies, all drained and traumatized after working with her, and giving up on ever wanting to do PhD, dreams being crushed from the experience. Experiences of being publicly shamed in Whatsapp groups by her. One good thing that other past RAs assured me of was that now that I have experienced working under her and survived, future bosses and supervisors or experiences outside would be so much easier to handle.
I may not be able to share things in detail, but at its peak overwhelming moments I had to lock myself in the Monash toilet cubicles to cry. I have cried at the PhD room, I have cried at the surau. My nervous system was probably too messed up that at one point I was crying from the moment I woke up for weeks, and had to control myself from throwing up. I am thankful that my mom allowed me to sleep in the same room as her for the last 3 months of 2022 just because I was too all over the place by then. You know how the DASS questionnaire is used as a mental health screening where your depression, anxiety and stress symptoms are scored with mild, moderate, severe, and extremely severe? I did various of those desperate to seek mental health help, and being told that my anxiety and stress levels were extremely severe. Counselling sessions were just me crying lol. I was getting more easily irritated from the stress, and I feel sorry that my parents had to tolerate my outbursts.
I was desperately praying to Allah. It reached a point where I was sobbing and just repeating, "Help me, Allah. Help me, Allah. Help me, Allah." This particular verse from Surah Ad-Dhuha in the Quran stroke a chord in me and got me crying whenever I saw it, as I was convinced that whatever I experienced was a punishment from God:
مَا وَدَّعَكَ رَبُّكَ وَمَا قَلَىٰ
“Your Lord has not abandoned you, nor does He despise you.”
As mentioned before, my physical health was also affected. Maybe it was the stress, but I was getting my period multiple times in a month. I was getting sick easier and coughing green phlegm. Maybe it was the physical aspect of anxiety but my body felt so stiff and ached daily. During the trips to the Orang Asli villages, there were multiple days where we walked more than 13km in a day, yelled at for being slow, being rushed in muddy grounds that led to more falls and sprains, even doing so in the rain. We only asked for one meal per day, and even then she would say that we were "living in luxury", that her previous RAs could only eat Maggi every day so that she can cut cost.
Not to mention the motorcycle rides we had under the heavy rain through slopes and steep slippery, muddy roads without helmets, where even our riders stopped to prevent accidents as the rain was heavy enough to cover their vision, they were scolded by her, "Who asked to stop?". I remember crying during one of those rides, thinking what did I do to deserve this haha, if I might die anytime there. By the end of my last trip, I was daydreaming of being hospitalized both emotionally and physically, and it took me one week after to be able to move my body parts without flinching from pain.
The worst part of all this is that the person mentioned here was a clinical psychologist, a prominent one who was also part of those who started Clinical Psychology programmes in private universities in Malaysia and still invited to give training to budding clinical psychologists. This was someone who trains the counselling students of my university, who trained the free counsellor I was seeing lol. I was conflicted as being a psychologist was a dream career, yet I am experiencing first-hand working with one, and I do not want to end up being someone like her.
I escaped. I escaped by being able to get a full-time job at another place (which so far has been heaven compared to what I went through). Even then, the minute I mentioned my current place to her, she immediately responded, that it was a bad place. Despite other people working there and other mental health practitioners telling me it's a good place. Sigh. Even then when my contract had officially ended, I was still being requested to do work. My brothers threatened me that if I didn't have the spine to actually set my boundaries and say no, they would literally take my phone and tell her themselves. I managed to gain the courage and messaged her, about saying it would be a hard stop from me, that I will no longer continue with her, and confronted her about some stuff.
Anyway. Up until now, I can feel my body automatically tense up when I see her name or have her cross my mind. I saw that she recently opened a LinkedIn account and posted... and I blocked her immediately. This is someone who still appears in my nightmares. I used to wonder why do survivors from a particular negative experience would still share about their experience and recall it often, even if it had happened a while ago. I guess I understand now.
This experience had made me rethink about academia and the kind of people in it. Truthfully, these behaviors would be unacceptable in normal working industries due to policies available. This experience also made me reflect on the reality of people who looked good on paper.
Whatever it is, I hope everyone out there are able to notice the red flags from both potential and current employers. No job is worth sacrificing your physical and emotional wellbeing for. Put yourself first.
I genuinely hope everyone out there is protected from having to encounter working under people like this.
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