Assalamualaikum, hello!
It's nearing the end of March already and boy have there been a lot of happenings in this first quarter of 2023 haha. Where do I start?
I got laid off from my dream job and company, 2 months and a half in. Long story short. Together with assumedly 50% of the company's Malaysian staff, 70% of their Singaporean staff, and 20% of their Indonesian staff. Considering that even people who have worked there for years were laid off, together with people in technical roles like data science/engineering people, you bet my inexperienced newbie self had no chance of staying haha. They are legit only keeping the bare minimum to stay alive currently, and I wish them all the best while going through this tumultuous period concerning financial instability.
Did I take it well? Honestly speaking, I don't know, there isn't a blueprint for this, I don't know what a "normal" response is and what the typical days after look like, except for experiences on Reddit and LinkedIn. When I received the news, I remember thinking how this felt like being in a series/movie/book, wow I am living through this, this is adulthood? I think I overcompensated by laughing and being extra cheerful haha, it's what two of my previous therapists have commented on, "why are you laughing when you talk about dark experiences?".
5 stages of grief, but not really. There was the denial of things ~actually~ being shit, I think the job itself and working in a healthy environment made me feel like this was just a minor blip, I'll get into another job in no time, and I have confidence in myself. Now, one month after, even though the layoff was NOT my fault in any way and does not represent me but rather the company's long line of bad decisions, I can feel my confidence and self-esteem draining. Somehow, I feel like I'm not capable, I am scared of applying to more jobs, being worried that I'll be the problem and cannot live up to any work applied, that I am not capable. I read online how laid-off people can take from 6 months to 1 year to be able to be employed again afterward, and I am scared.
Anger. This was unhealthy, but I was angry at myself, angry at fate. Angry at myself for putting so much hope and trust and love while working at this company and believing in its purpose. Angry at myself for still being hopeful for the Psychology and mental health field, and wanting to contribute to it. Angry at fate and believing that the universe doesn't want to see me happy before the source of happiness is snatched away. Especially that joining the company was an answered prayer after working under an emotionally abusive supervisor for a year, and now it's back to being in square one. Angry that this is happening to my teammates, one was a breastfeeding mother and undergoing a divorce, one is a cancer survivor who just picked herself up after a year of going through treatment, and another teammate received the news while still recovering from surgery in the hospital bed. They deserve better.
Depression. Crying the night of the news. Crying at 12am the night before another job interview. Crying a few days ago in the middle of breaking my fast and having dinner by myself all of a sudden. Insomnia. Sleeping at 2-3am for weeks now and only properly getting out of bed after 11am (without missing prayers, of course). Just want to sleep throughout the day. No energy nor motivation to get back on track and apply for jobs every day. No capacity to reply to friends who ended up being ghosted or having to wait for days for me to reply back.
I am writing this post to show some compassion to myself and to be kinder. Yes, I am going through a very difficult time. Yet, I still showed up and tried my best. I am thankful that I rode on the immediate high after getting the layoff news to update my resume, informed my friends to share any job leads, and apply for jobs. All that while the hope and energy were still there because it has gone down a lot at this current moment. With that, less than a month in, I've already gotten 4 job interviews, with 2 of them possibly offering a pay higher than my previous role. I went for 2 interviews already and maintained a straight face for the sessions despite how shitty I felt inside, and that's something I'd like to pat myself on the back for.
I completed 3 Master's applications. 2 for Clinical Psychology, although I'm not sure about 1 of them if I still want to proceed with it. 1 more was the long-awaited dream of being able to study overseas, the application that was supposed to be completed this time last year but I bailed out on from losing hope at that time. I had the courage to reach out again to my previous supervisor, and I am shocked... in a good way, by the reference she provided. In her words, I was persistent and resilient. In her words, I showed strong tolerance towards pain. In a way, I felt validated as I sometimes wondered if the struggle that I went through while working under her was all in my head and if I was too weak. Guess not.
They say an experience just remains an experience unless I learn and reflect on it. So I'll try my best to find the silver linings from being laid off, and what I can take away from it. Firstly, the jobhunting experience has made me realize that I am worth so much more as a Psychology graduate. Funnily enough, none of the companies that have reached back to me were Psychology-related, despite me having invested in most of my previous roles. I felt.. stabbed in the back HAHAHA. I wonder... if this is still a field I want to stay in. But yes, as a Psychology graduate, to be hearing back from big companies like Deloitte for adult corporate-sounding roles like Consulting Analyst, giving me a chance to prove myself to them, makes me feel like eh? Other fields want Psychology graduates? I am worth more and people are willing to pay more for me, away from the underpaid NGO/social work/mental health roles?
Speaking about worth, I have to acknowledge that I tie my self-worth a lot to the job I do. However, with this happening, after feeling.. unworthy, I remember telling my brother why am I thinking this way? Everyone is worthy unconditionally? A job or no job, any individual is worthy just because, just as they are. The worth lies in the essence of the person and who they are, who they are is in them and remains unchanged when you look beyond the exterior factors. Funnily enough, a few hours after I told him, that was when I received my first callback for an interview haha.
As per usual, I can only guess what Allah wants to teach me from this experience. Working there taught me that yes, a healthy working environment with great people exists, where I feel happy and motivated. Yes, Allah answered my prayer previously when I prayed in to get there while escaping from somewhere I didn't want to be with better pay, albeit it being a short while. Yes, Allah made me meet all these inspiring leaders with great educational experience to make me inspired and motivated to dream bigger and apply for further studies overseas. But at the same time, I guess the negative parts were that.. maybe in the few months, I was getting too in awe by the achievements of others materially - where they worked, where they studied in school or university, of putting wealth ahead and daydreaming of earning a lot as the primary motivating factor over purpose. My immediate job-hunting goals right after being laid off were more focused on what can pay me more, rather than going back and reflecting on what my initial purpose was, to serve others. In addition, considering how I based my worth and worry too much on what my aunties or parent's friends view me, Allah really put me on the deep end by making me participate in my dad's reunion and cousin's wedding where I have to interact with uncles, aunties, cousins, where I had to inevitably, confidently, tell others that I am unemployed and got laid off. There's something freeing about actually letting go and realizing that hey, what was I so concerned about, and what approval was I previously seeking all this while? In a way, I feel like now I'm at rock bottom with no way to disappoint or embarrass myself further, and showed people that... I am free to do whatever I want now.
Anyway, Ramadhan is coming soon. I hope to be able to focus on my relationship with Allah this whole month, focus on myself and just block out any unnecessary noise.
Hope your March is better than mine.
Assalamualaikum.
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