I turned on my phone's Internet connection later on and learnt how it felt for the first time to be rejected by someone I truly liked, after confessing to them, an action I've never done in my (then) 23-years of living.
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One day after. I don't know where I was going or what was around me. I felt like I was in a daze and I felt empty. I only knew I was meeting my close friend for dinner at the same mall I met him, the only time I met him one-on-one, going through the same public transport and pathway to reach there.
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Few days after. I watched the movie that he mentioned in passing. Twice. Both after work. The latter, only coming back home after 12AM when it was still a working day the day after. I know my family members are worried about these impulsive out-of-character actions.
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Weeks after. The darkness in my mind was slowly engulfing me. At that point I no longer can tell whether it was due to working at a place I found no meaning or joy in, or if my brain was adapting to the loss of no longer in contact with someone that I spent the better part of the year interacting with frequently.
I was ghosted. The humiliation, the hurt, the embarrassment was painful. I read and re-read old messages, wondering if there was a hint I missed, of what I did wrong. I looked at the last Instagram message sent, that did not have the 'Seen' notice even a month after. I unsent the message.
I spent the day before Valentine's day seeing a clinical psychologist. She told me I had severe depressive symptoms.
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One month after. I told everyone I was resigning with some made-up excuse on wanting to further my studies and focus on my applications, which didn't follow through.
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Months after. Still trying to understand what happened. Reddit threads. Videos. Information to make it clear that it was over, that it was for the best. That not even a friendship could be saved at this point.
I cried. A lot of nights across the weeks were spent crying over heartbreak songs. Each songs having specific lyrics that made me bawled over extra hard.
It took me a while, it took a long time to finally, finally, press delete to all messages across Whatsapp and Instagram.
--
He reached out. Again, and again, and again. Each time giving the part of the brain and heart some dose of serotonin, some part of delusional thinking, is there still hope to this? But each time also with a louder voice.
What does he want from me?
And each time followed by another wave of disgust, shame, jadedness, exhaustion, of being forgotten again, of being ghosted again, of feeling used, of feeling disrespected, of being replied rudely almost every time, that perhaps I was serving the role of being used for a quick ego boost.
There is a song called Jealous by Labrinth in which the lyrics go:
"I wished you the best of / All this world could give / And I told you when you left me / There's nothing to forgive / But I always thought you'd come back, tell me all you found was / Heartbreak and misery."
He did come back each time with stories of misery and even heartbreak over another person.
Did I feel better?
No. Because amidst everything, stupidly, I still care.
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Almost one year has passed. I think I learnt a lot about myself through this experience, and learnt to see things realistically rather than through idealistic, rose-colored glasses.
Realistically, nothing more will ever happen between us. That's final. That will never change. That is something that needs to be accepted. That's just how the way it is. I think I respect and care about him enough to accept the choice made by him and to never push it again and to never cross the line, and I care about him enough to not want him to change anything a huge part of his identity and suffer just to be with someone, when he deserves someone better too.
Realistically too, I was never seen as a romantic interest. I was never seen as anything more than just someone whose paths crossed incidentally with him. I do not fit the ideal looks, personality, race or religion. That is the reality. Anything else is just delusional thinking.
Realistically, the behavior displayed by him is also not something I would want to or should ever tolerate from someone I want as a partner.
Realistically, this liking towards someone that has clearly expressed their rejection towards me is unhealthy and toxic, and enough is enough. Let go.
Realistically, things you learn on the Internet are not always beneficial or applicable to real life. Not everyone is doing things purposely or out of spite. Always look at others with compassion and understanding. Sometimes, things just don't work out and everyone's trying their best to figure out life themselves.
Realistically, I deserve better too.
I am doing better.
And maybe, this was all for the best, as I turned out doing better on my own in the end.
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