Finding God

Brain fog. Brain fog. Brain fog. 

It's my third week on painkillers and I am trying my best to beat the sluggishness that comes with it by trying to write something. Not to mention, to feel some sense of freedom of expression without the worries of needing to get it through ChatGPT for a "cleaner" output that is more digestible, less "messy". I'll take messy anytime, thank you very much. 

This blog post title is inspired by this poem section by Anis Mojgani:

and I dream too much and I don't write enough,

and I’m trying to find God everywhere.

Allah says in Ayat 16 of Surah Al-Qaf: 

وَلَقَدْ خَلَقْنَا ٱلْإِنسَـٰنَ وَنَعْلَمُ مَا تُوَسْوِسُ بِهِۦ نَفْسُهُۥ ۖ وَنَحْنُ أَقْرَبُ إِلَيْهِ مِنْ حَبْلِ ٱلْوَرِيدِ 

Indeed, ˹it is˺ We ˹Who˺ created humankind and ˹fully˺ know what their souls whisper to them, and We are closer to them than ˹their˺ jugular vein.

And narrated Abu Huraira:

The Prophet (ﷺ) said, "Allah says: 'I am just as My slave thinks I am, (i.e. I am able to do for him what he thinks I can do for him) and I am with him if He remembers Me. If he remembers Me in himself, I too, remember him in Myself; and if he remembers Me in a group of people, I remember him in a group that is better than they; and if he comes one span nearer to Me, I go one cubit nearer to him; and if he comes one cubit nearer to Me, I go a distance of two outstretched arms nearer to him; and if he comes to Me walking, I go to him running.' "

And I think about this quote often:

If God feels distant, who moved?

Anyway, I don't know where I'm going with this post. I signed up for a one-week Islamic programme happening in August, and the application required some long answers. Felt like putting them here, edited for this blog post:

Why are you interested in joining WISE Summer School?* (no less than 50 words)

It is difficult to explain the interest without mentioning Ayaat 56 of Surah Al-Qasas in the Quran, which states, “...it is Allah who guides whoever He wills.” I can rationalise whatever intentions I have in my heart, but verily, these intentions would not have materialised in the first place without Allah first leading me to good people, knowledge, and experiences, especially in the past year. How do I do justice to describing the experience of spontaneously walking into a programme under a youth organisation in December last year, after coming across an advertisement (on LinkedIn, out of all places!) by a stranger-turned-friend (whose sister's name happens to be Sharifah Durrah.. what are the odds of meeting someone like this at a particular time and location?), to being introduced to various other organisations, practices, and knowledge over the past six months? How do I explain the sudden feelings of self-awareness of how lacking I am in terms of knowledge that brings me closer to Allah, and the utmost desire and thirst of wanting to get closer to God, after dedicating so much time to the pursuit of worldly matters and causes? There is only so much I can comprehend through self-reading of books by Al-Ghazali, including the four volumes of Ihya’ Ulumuddin that I finished reading within two months, to books by great scholars such as As-Syafie’s Risalah, Ibn Khaldun’s Muqaddimah, and books on Sufism by the likes of Martin Lings and Syed Muhammad Naquib Al-Attas, that, as someone like me without formal Islamic training, comes to a point of worrying if I am going in the right direction, and that I need to find a teacher, or teachers. Having gone to other related programmes organised by related people of Universiti Teknologi Malaysia (UTM)'s Raja Zarith Sofiah - Center for Advanced Islamic Studies (RZS-CASIS), such as Felo Muda and biweekly sharings by Dr Khalif Muammar at Balai Jawi on Kitab Al-Arbain Fi Usul Ad-Din, there is the feeling of need (or FOMO!) in getting to know more and being around learned people, fellow seekers of knowledge, and overall people who dedicate their lives in the journey of servitude to God through knowledge. These are the reasons why I am interested in joining WISE Summer School. 

Maybe this all will end up becoming a phase. As the hadith goes, "The heart of the son of Adam goes up and down faster than a violently boiling pot".  

If I stray away, I hope I can revisit this time, and know that I can come back anytime, that I have it in me.

On that note, I also keep on thinking about this funny saying: everything is a sign if you are delusional enough, haha. I've been sick and suffering from pain for the last few weeks? Oh good, Allah accepted my dua, solat sunat taubah and solat sunat tasbih recently, as pain expiates the sins of a believer! I go to a random 'ilm event, and coincidentally, the girl who sits next to me shares the same birthday as me? This is a sign that Allah wants me to be here, I am meant to be here. I invited two friends of mine to attend my company's event, not knowing that both knew each other, and suddenly felt the urge to introduce them together, turns out both were long-lost friends. Oh cool! Allah nudged my heart so that they can reunite as friends and collaborate on their work that shares the same values! I had no plans on Ashura Day, suddenly had the urge to visit a bookstore for the first time, got pulled by the shopkeeper to stay on for a talk that I didn't even know was happening, and it happens to be a very good one that reminded me a lot of Allah's love, and meeting three other friends whom I didn't even know would be attending. And I thought, thank you, Allah, for pulling me here. I broke down crying at home after having to go through a physical training conducted by a US-based organisation that funded my company, questioning the barakah of my work, with the two instructors having close ties with Israel - one did a Master's there, whilst the other used to work extensively in a Zionist-related organisation. Two days after, Trump announced he would be pulling away all this funding from these US organisations from other countries, so now my company is free from these sources of funding that are suspicious in nature. I stress out over a particular incoming work meeting, and thought to Allah to give me a sign, that I would resign if the outcome of a particular meeting would be very negative in nature - given the pattern of it always being high-pressure, filled with scoldings. Right before it happened, it got cancelled, without it ever happening before. When I question the work that I do, I think of one of Omar Suleiman's podcast episodes, where he mentioned that sometimes you are placed in a particular position from an answered prayer. Thus, I'd like to think Allah is listening to the prayers of perhaps past parents who struggled to get treatment for their child from an incurable disease, and praying for their survival. Perhaps too, many Orang Asli children and parents prayed for greater opportunity for them to access education, and given how much they have been oppressed by many, especially the government, in the past, Allah listens to the supplication of the oppressed. Also, I am privileged to be able to have my work be a part of strengthening child protection policies, given how many innocent children have suffered in the past from abuse and neglect. 

Allah is as what His slaves think of Him, and I'd like to think that He's watching over me, and He's watching over others, too. 

Assalamualaikum.