Sajda tera sajda

Three days ago, I was at the Taj Mahal.

One year ago, around this time of the first ten days of Zulhijjah last year, I was crying almost every day in the car after work. Befrienders wasn't answering me. I was staying home alone for most of three months as my parents were with my brother, sister-in-law, and niece in the US. I felt alone doing the health project. I was dispassionate due to its unethical nature, being lumped with tasks as someone at the bottom of the ladder of roles of other people who are earning 100% more, being harassed by big pharma funders, and scolded by doctors. 

Who answered me was Allah. Of joining AA Plus' regular dhikr calls after work. Driving early mornings on weekends and late nights for suhba, for 'ilm, anything to get closer to Allah, anything to feel less lonely, and to have tawakkul that He is my protector, my ally, the One watching over me, who is in control. 

I remember it was during the Day of Arafah, after work, sobbing in the car as usual, but also joining in the recitations of "لَبَّيْكَ اللَّهُمَّ لَبَّيْكَ" (Here I am, at Your service, O Allah), together with other dhikrs and duas made with other sisters all over the world. It was the only thing that could comfort me, as per Surah Ar Ra'd, ayat 28:

ألا بذكر الله تطمئن القلوب

Those who believe and whose hearts find comfort in the remembrance of Allah. Surely in the remembrance of Allah do hearts find comfort.

I remember heading to Mukha afterwards for their iftar event, even though I couldn't fast that day just because I thought it would be too lonely to be alone the night before Eid-ul-Adha, coincidentally bumping into someone else who also, in a way, had been providing soothness to the heart indirectly and someone I am thankful for on the way.

Anyway, one year passed by. So many things have changed since then. I got promoted twice. The big pharma harasser transferred to another company for fear of being laid off. Two managers who caused hurt feelings that I wished I could have relied on more moved out. Allah brought me to His house in Makkah and Madinah later in the year. He gave me a funded opportunity to visit New York beforehand and also a chance to visit my niece. And as of the most recent, He sent me to India fully funded through a random DM one day on Instagram of a mutual friend who nominated me to take her place as a speaker at an event.

To cut a long story short, I don't deserve all this, the generosity and mercy of Allah.

India was beautiful. The people, the women I got to know, were amazing, warm and lovely. The history and sights were awe-inspiring. The plentiful food was tasty. The journey throughout was smooth. Alhamdulillah. Alhamdulillah. Alhamdulillah. Amidst it all, too, I am thankful to be able to visit places that especially remind me of Allah, of Jama Masjid, and, coincidentally, walking past a Qawwali session taking place where they were singing the Tala'al Badru Alayna Qasidah in praise of the Prophet Muhammad ﷺ, and the Taj Mahal that was inspired by Quranic verses. I am reminded of the Surah Al-Baqarah, ayat 115:

وَلِلَّهِ ٱلْمَشْرِقُ وَٱلْمَغْرِبُ ۚ فَأَيْنَمَا تُوَلُّوا۟ فَثَمَّ وَجْهُ ٱللَّهِ ۚ إِنَّ ٱللَّهَ وَٰسِعٌ عَلِيمٌۭ 

To Allah belong the east and the west, so wherever you turn, you are facing ˹towards˺ Allah. Surely Allah is All-Encompassing, All-Knowing.

I dread going back to work tomorrow, haha. Thankfully, Eid al-Adha is coming, Day of Arafah is arriving again too. Multiple days of public holidays as well. Things are still turbulent in some areas of work. I still question whether this is the best place to be at, the barakah of what I do, of trying to be more understanding of my coworkers' different personalities and expectations and assuming the best of them, whether whatever I do pleases Allah or not. I don't know what lies in the path ahead, whether I am capable of facing them or not; it gets me anxious and dreading, and I am trying my best to also have good thoughts of Allah when I catch myself slipping.

I am trying to remind myself to be in this world, to go through the days as if I am a stranger, a wanderer, a traveller, in this impermanent world. That my expectations of being created, of living, are solely to worship Him. That only His validation matters. That there are more terrible things happening all around me, of war, poverty, starvation, injustice, and to worry instead about how best I can help them and not make things worse, to always remember them in my prayers and be humble, for I am only in my current position due to Allah's mercy that can be taken away at any time. 

May we keep each other in our dua's, inshaAllah.

Assalamualaikum.

Maka nikmat Tuhan kamu yang manakah yang kamu dustakan?

 فَبِأَىِّ ءَالَآءِ رَبِّكُمَا تُكَذِّبَانِ

Then which of your Lord’s favours will you ˹humans and jinn˺ both deny? (Surah Ar-Rahman)

Assalamualaikum,

It's already almost the end of the year? I haven't been posting here as frequently, but it's high time to reflect back on the year and thank Allah for the unlimited favors He has granted. Unfortunately, I haven't been the most appreciative person to exist, with my mind always trying to spin rizq as "tests" instead, being too paranoid, anxious, and overthinking that these blessings are a means of Allah to test me of my faith, whether they are istidraj instead, will I end up being corrupt because of them, will I be more attached to the world because of them, will my values be influenced due to them, will I be arrogant and forgetful of the plight of the more needy because of them, will I care more about others' validation instead of Allah. Funnily, I forgot one of the most important things - will I be an ungrateful servant because of them? 

I worry about all of these too much, so it clouds my mind from simply thanking Allah for what He has given me, and trust in Him as the best planner. I worry about all of the above so much that I forgot that these have been things that I once prayed for so fervently!

Suhaib reported that Allah's Messenger (ﷺ) said:

Strange are the ways of a believer for there is good in every affair of his and this is not the case with anyone else except in the case of a believer for if he has an occasion to feel delight, he thanks (God), thus there is a good for him in it, and if he gets into trouble and shows resignation (and endures it patiently), there is a good for him in it. (Sahih Muslim)

So this is it. A post in an attempt to reconcile and remind myself of the countless blessings He has given, in which what I can write here only makes up 0.001% of His mercy and many other unseen and unknown things He has saved me from, in alternative timelines. 

Career-wise, alhamdulillah. Alhamdulillah again for everything, both the good and the bad. Alhamdulillah for the variety of experiences and witnessing and learning more about the world, its people, and multiple organisations, even those that disgust me, but ultimately reminding me to be disattached to the world and acknowledge the corruption and ugly nature of humans, thus reminding me of the words of Allah and acknowledging that the only perfection that exists is in the akhirah:

ظَهَرَ ٱلْفَسَادُ فِى ٱلْبَرِّ وَٱلْبَحْرِ بِمَا كَسَبَتْ أَيْدِى ٱلنَّاسِ لِيُذِيقَهُم بَعْضَ ٱلَّذِى عَمِلُوا۟ لَعَلَّهُمْ يَرْجِعُونَ ٤١

Corruption has spread on land and sea as a result of what people’s hands have done, so that Allah may cause them to taste ˹the consequences of˺ some of their deeds and perhaps they might return ˹to the Right Path˺. (Surah Ar-Rum ayat 41)

Abu Huraira reported Allah's Messenger (ﷺ) as saying:

The world is a prison-house for a believer and Paradise for a non-believer. (Sahih Muslim)

Regardless, alhamdulillah again and again. Alhamdulillah for He has concealed my faults in the eyes of the others. Alhamdulillah for the various rizq and providence and experiences I went through this year while working.

Alhamdulillah for how He has created me with perfect limbs and functioning organs, which allow me to travel and go to various events with energy and willpower at this young age. Thank you, Allah, for the opportunity to learn and explore various cultures and places, and understand how wide the world He has created. 

يَـٰٓأَيُّهَا ٱلنَّاسُ إِنَّا خَلَقْنَـٰكُم مِّن ذَكَرٍۢ وَأُنثَىٰ وَجَعَلْنَـٰكُمْ شُعُوبًۭا وَقَبَآئِلَ لِتَعَارَفُوٓا۟ ۚ إِنَّ أَكْرَمَكُمْ عِندَ ٱللَّهِ أَتْقَىٰكُمْ ۚ إِنَّ ٱللَّهَ عَلِيمٌ خَبِيرٌۭ ١٣

O humanity! Indeed, We created you from a male and a female, and made you into peoples and tribes so that you may ˹get to˺ know one another. Surely the most noble of you in the sight of Allah is the most righteous among you. Allah is truly All-Knowing, All-Aware. (Surah Al-Hujurat Ayat 13

Alhamdulillah ya Allah, for how He has allowed me to re-learn and rediscover Islam, as it is only by His will that my heart was open and inclined to begin to seek Him again. Alhamdulillah for the nudge to start reading books written to understand You better and for me to learn how to show my Love better for Him. Alhamdulillah for the opportunity to walk into places of similar souls in need to know You more, of like-minded people that inspire me to be better, inspire me to learn more with their extensive knowledge that You have granted them. Alhamdulillah for the beneficial suhba, always encouraging and inviting for 'ilm events and ibadah, who inspire others to goodness simply by the characters that they show. May Allah continue to put me among people whom You love and whom loves You.

 Alhamdulillah again and again for the opportunity to also remember and learn more about the Prophet Muhammad ﷺ through the sirah, and for the reminder of how lucky I am to be of his ummah. How lucky I am to have functioning eyes and ears that could read and listen to these reminders of Allah and Muhammad ﷺ, how lucky am I to be born a Muslim in a country where it is safe to practice Islam, how lucky am I to be in a central location where it's easy to go to 'ilm events, how lucky am I to live in a place without attack or natural disasters, how lucky am I to be living in an era at the same time of these fellow learners, how lucky am I to have healthy and living, supportive parents, how lucky am I to have the financial means to comfortably seek for You, how lucky am I to have pathways open to be closer to You, how lucky am I to have my brain and mind to perceive these 'ilm and reflect on the greatness and love of Allah. 

It is never of one's own will, nor action that allows one to perform ibadah or remember Him, except that He wills it, so it is important to never be arrogant when one gets a chance to do so, knowing that it is only by Allah's mercy that hearts are inclined towards Him. Alhamdulillah for His mercy in remembering me. Again and again, when I am undeserving, when I do, think, or say disappointing things, alhamdulillah for the feelings of regret and the opportunity to repent, again and again. Alhamdulillah again for the fully functioning limbs and health, to perform solah and make dua, as a remembrance that I am only in this world to worship You, Ya Allah, that I am but a servant, that only Your validation matters. That this dunya is nothing compared to the akhirah. That chasing after the akhirah should not just be a priority or given greater importance, it is the only success that matters. Thank you, Allah, for the opportunity to seek repentance, again and again. Thank you, Allah, for even putting the intention and niyyah to perform solah, zikr, and go to paths with the intention of pleasing You. Indeed, I am not deserving of these countless blessings, and I am an ungrateful servant, yet You have been the Most Generous. 

Alhamdulillah for everything, and may You grant me the chance to be a more grateful servant, and see Your blessings in everything. 

Finding God

Brain fog. Brain fog. Brain fog. 

It's my third week on painkillers and I am trying my best to beat the sluggishness that comes with it by trying to write something. Not to mention, to feel some sense of freedom of expression without the worries of needing to get it through ChatGPT for a "cleaner" output that is more digestible, less "messy". I'll take messy anytime, thank you very much. 

This blog post title is inspired by this poem section by Anis Mojgani:

and I dream too much and I don't write enough,

and I’m trying to find God everywhere.

Allah says in Ayat 16 of Surah Al-Qaf: 

وَلَقَدْ خَلَقْنَا ٱلْإِنسَـٰنَ وَنَعْلَمُ مَا تُوَسْوِسُ بِهِۦ نَفْسُهُۥ ۖ وَنَحْنُ أَقْرَبُ إِلَيْهِ مِنْ حَبْلِ ٱلْوَرِيدِ 

Indeed, ˹it is˺ We ˹Who˺ created humankind and ˹fully˺ know what their souls whisper to them, and We are closer to them than ˹their˺ jugular vein.

And narrated Abu Huraira:

The Prophet (ﷺ) said, "Allah says: 'I am just as My slave thinks I am, (i.e. I am able to do for him what he thinks I can do for him) and I am with him if He remembers Me. If he remembers Me in himself, I too, remember him in Myself; and if he remembers Me in a group of people, I remember him in a group that is better than they; and if he comes one span nearer to Me, I go one cubit nearer to him; and if he comes one cubit nearer to Me, I go a distance of two outstretched arms nearer to him; and if he comes to Me walking, I go to him running.' "

And I think about this quote often:

If God feels distant, who moved?

Anyway, I don't know where I'm going with this post. I signed up for a one-week Islamic programme happening in August, and the application required some long answers. Felt like putting them here, edited for this blog post:

Why are you interested in joining WISE Summer School?* (no less than 50 words)

It is difficult to explain the interest without mentioning Ayaat 56 of Surah Al-Qasas in the Quran, which states, “...it is Allah who guides whoever He wills.” I can rationalise whatever intentions I have in my heart, but verily, these intentions would not have materialised in the first place without Allah first leading me to good people, knowledge, and experiences, especially in the past year. How do I do justice to describing the experience of spontaneously walking into a programme under a youth organisation in December last year, after coming across an advertisement (on LinkedIn, out of all places!) by a stranger-turned-friend (whose sister's name happens to be Sharifah Durrah.. what are the odds of meeting someone like this at a particular time and location?), to being introduced to various other organisations, practices, and knowledge over the past six months? How do I explain the sudden feelings of self-awareness of how lacking I am in terms of knowledge that brings me closer to Allah, and the utmost desire and thirst of wanting to get closer to God, after dedicating so much time to the pursuit of worldly matters and causes? There is only so much I can comprehend through self-reading of books by Al-Ghazali, including the four volumes of Ihya’ Ulumuddin that I finished reading within two months, to books by great scholars such as As-Syafie’s Risalah, Ibn Khaldun’s Muqaddimah, and books on Sufism by the likes of Martin Lings and Syed Muhammad Naquib Al-Attas, that, as someone like me without formal Islamic training, comes to a point of worrying if I am going in the right direction, and that I need to find a teacher, or teachers. Having gone to other related programmes organised by related people of Universiti Teknologi Malaysia (UTM)'s Raja Zarith Sofiah - Center for Advanced Islamic Studies (RZS-CASIS), such as Felo Muda and biweekly sharings by Dr Khalif Muammar at Balai Jawi on Kitab Al-Arbain Fi Usul Ad-Din, there is the feeling of need (or FOMO!) in getting to know more and being around learned people, fellow seekers of knowledge, and overall people who dedicate their lives in the journey of servitude to God through knowledge. These are the reasons why I am interested in joining WISE Summer School. 

Maybe this all will end up becoming a phase. As the hadith goes, "The heart of the son of Adam goes up and down faster than a violently boiling pot".  

If I stray away, I hope I can revisit this time, and know that I can come back anytime, that I have it in me.

On that note, I also keep on thinking about this funny saying: everything is a sign if you are delusional enough, haha. I've been sick and suffering from pain for the last few weeks? Oh good, Allah accepted my dua, solat sunat taubah and solat sunat tasbih recently, as pain expiates the sins of a believer! I go to a random 'ilm event, and coincidentally, the girl who sits next to me shares the same birthday as me? This is a sign that Allah wants me to be here, I am meant to be here. I invited two friends of mine to attend my company's event, not knowing that both knew each other, and suddenly felt the urge to introduce them together, turns out both were long-lost friends. Oh cool! Allah nudged my heart so that they can reunite as friends and collaborate on their work that shares the same values! I had no plans on Ashura Day, suddenly had the urge to visit a bookstore for the first time, got pulled by the shopkeeper to stay on for a talk that I didn't even know was happening, and it happens to be a very good one that reminded me a lot of Allah's love, and meeting three other friends whom I didn't even know would be attending. And I thought, thank you, Allah, for pulling me here. I broke down crying at home after having to go through a physical training conducted by a US-based organisation that funded my company, questioning the barakah of my work, with the two instructors having close ties with Israel - one did a Master's there, whilst the other used to work extensively in a Zionist-related organisation. Two days after, Trump announced he would be pulling away all this funding from these US organisations from other countries, so now my company is free from these sources of funding that are suspicious in nature. I stress out over a particular incoming work meeting, and thought to Allah to give me a sign, that I would resign if the outcome of a particular meeting would be very negative in nature - given the pattern of it always being high-pressure, filled with scoldings. Right before it happened, it got cancelled, without it ever happening before. When I question the work that I do, I think of one of Omar Suleiman's podcast episodes, where he mentioned that sometimes you are placed in a particular position from an answered prayer. Thus, I'd like to think Allah is listening to the prayers of perhaps past parents who struggled to get treatment for their child from an incurable disease, and praying for their survival. Perhaps too, many Orang Asli children and parents prayed for greater opportunity for them to access education, and given how much they have been oppressed by many, especially the government, in the past, Allah listens to the supplication of the oppressed. Also, I am privileged to be able to have my work be a part of strengthening child protection policies, given how many innocent children have suffered in the past from abuse and neglect. 

Allah is as what His slaves think of Him, and I'd like to think that He's watching over me, and He's watching over others, too. 

Assalamualaikum.