Maybe Britney was right

when she said, "My loneliness is killing me".

Picture from my Instagram story shared a few days ago.

Assalamualaikum and hello, look at how time flies - it's almost the end of 2023. What a year it has been. The last update felt like a lifetime ago. Where do I start with what happened? 

I worked at the mentioned place, and alhamdulillah it was a peaceful experience for real, surrounded by kind people in an environment that felt like I was in a public university setting haha. Actually drove back and forth to work for most days, which is an achievement considering I only drove like once a year before. The 30kms to work and 30kms back somehow felt like therapy, I miss listening to Mix FM in the mornings and guessing the song of the tone they played, I miss putting on my Liked Spotify playlist and getting swept by memories of the times I listened to particular songs. I miss the RM7.50 kuey teow with fried egg ordered daily and I miss how cut off I felt from the rest of the world, in my bubble of work where people outside have no clue what I do and where I worked at hahah. 

Then there were the scholarship applications. The anxiety and desperation of each application process, the essays written again and again trying to convince big corporations that I am worth being invested in, of overthinking the different career pathways after and wondering if your dream future is worth sacrificing for the sake of wanting to study abroad. Interviews. So many interviews. Questioning your self-worth again and again, attempting to sound like you have ultimate conviction of what you want to do in your future and how you are going to achieve it. And ultimately, wondering if it's worth it to sacrifice a principle, a value in life for the sake of flying off.

I flew to London over three months ago and began my Master's journey at LSE. Don't think there's enough space here to encapsulate all the experiences I went through during that time. The first semester passed, and I'm actually back in Malaysia for the winter break as I also attended my brother's wedding reception, with two assignment deadlines looming. Writing here is my way of procrastinating.

While studies went with no major hitches, the funny thing I noticed being the biggest challenge was the feeling of loneliness. I don't remember being this affected by being lonely in my past 25 years of life haha, although a quick search showed that I have blogged about it previously - especially when starting uni and when I went for an exchange semester. I didn't think it was possible to cry out of loneliness until I found myself doing so every other day, especially on weekends. Heck, I thought it was just a thing because I'm abroad, but I'm starting to feel it creep in even when I'm here at home in Malaysia, surrounded by family. 

As someone who's hyperaware of my mental state, I always made it a point that my lowest bar is to ensure that I talk to at least one person daily, and that could be a video call with my mum. I also realized that it is possible to feel like you are descending towards madness when you do not go out of your room for a whole day. And so I try to sign up for events, especially if it involves other Malaysians haha. I try to do work outside, with many days by myself doing work at various libraries - the LSE Library, the British Library, and Senate House Library followed by wandering famous streets to look for food. But it's scary. I remember when the reading week came along, there was a sense of panic and dread as I realized that I did not have anything to do and no one to talk to due to there being no classes for one week. Having to LOOK for something to do and to WANT it was done out of a feeling of obligation or need - the acknowledgment that my head will be quite messed up if I don't force myself out.

And now in Malaysia, loneliness strikes again as I sit at the same table with my parents, and both my brothers with their wives. Maybe it feels especially strong because my brother is married, and before this, I got to spend a lot of time with him and venture to different cafes, museums, and galleries in KL when we were free. Maybe the house feels a bit more quiet. Maybe I overthink about my parents' empty nest syndrome, wondering how they will cope once I go back to London and it's just them at home. Maybe I feel a bit lonely being the only one among friends doing a Master's degree now, as my friends go on with work and life, I am stuck with doing assignments and having to reject plans to hang out with them. Maybe a Master's degree is generally a lonely journey, where you're stuck with your readings and laptop and essays, while the world moves and people band together to help out others on the ground. Maybe. 

I wondered, has this always been here? This loneliness. Or has it just been hidden, distracted, and buried? Distracted by all the roles and responsibilities of various clubs, organizations, societies, and NGOs from school until university. Did I join all of them in the past to run away from being by myself? Distracted by blasting K-Pop music, of dozens of variety shows and K-dramas, and knowing the unnecessary details of hundreds of K-Pop idols, did I immerse myself in all those in school and university to feel less alone? Distracted by all the books, especially the Harry Potter and Sophie Kinsella books re-read for the millionth time, did they help in escaping the mundane reality of life? Being chronically online, reading about the latest happenings of influencers, celebrities, and other people's lives, was it done to help me feel like I belonged somewhere?

Have I actually been lonely all this while?

And am I only feeling and realizing it once I've stopped engaging in K-Pop-related stuff and cutting back on signing up for a zillion things?

Wow.

Anyway, I miss my friends, and I hate that I cannot enjoy my time with my family members here fully without having the thought of assignments at the back of my mind 24/7. 

Hope 2024 is good for all of us.