بِسْمِ اللهِ الرَّحْمٰنِ الرَّحِيْمِ
Assalamualaikum and hope anyone reading this is doing well. It's May already and in the month of Syawal, and alhamdulillah, Ramadhan this year went well. I was privileged in the sense that I had the chance to reflect a lot and attempted to get closer to Allah during Ramadan, in the midst of being unemployed and all haha.
I went from crying in the first rakaah of jemaah prayers during the first night of Ramadan, thinking about all the hurt and struggles these past two years, to being grateful and appreciative that all these have made me reached out to Him more. I would say especially in the beginning when I barely used social media was when it felt really peaceful to be honest. I guess I reached a point where I thought, regardless of whatever path I am being led to, regardless of me getting what I want or not, I will do my best to accept it, and mostly, trust that Allah has better plans for me.
And indeed, as for now, I found out that His plans for me was far greater than what I thought I deserved.
Firstly, when it comes to jobs, I was just applying to anywhere blindly at first, and only later on got the realization of hey, what am I doing? Why am I not going after things aligned with my long term goals? I knew it was going to be tough, and even the best I could think of was applying for unpaid or internships or anywhere that could take me for short-term regardless of how low they will pay, just to gain experience that I am lacking in when it comes to policy-related research. Maybe in some non profit or think tank. But then one night Allah really suddenly just gave me the 'ilham' to check out the Ministry of Health's research body's website... and there was a vacancy which I applied for that night itself... and got an email the next morning for an interview that afternoon... and got the job offer an hour after the interview itself. I'm getting goosebumps thinking about it again haha.
Then, alhamdulillah, received another good news during the last night of Ramadan. I got an unconditional offer to do Master' in the London School of Economics and Political Science. The fact is that I am just someone with normal dreams of studying locally last year and felt defeated after being rejected, only to get another 'ilham' and the extra time from being laid off to apply for this just ONE overseas Master's application, one last attempt at somewhere I thought was too big for me. Tiba tiba dapat.
And I'm just thinking that hey, was all the pain from past painful experiences and rejections just Allah's way to protect me and redirect me to something better? Because all of these are way beyond what I dare to even dream of previously. Allah has my back and wants me to do bigger things in life when I thought I wasn't meant for them.
Of course, all of these rizq would not have happened without the support and love by family and friends who were always there. From prayers/dua from them, and any actions of kindness that helped eased the days and the path towards where I am today. May Allah bless everyone for this.
Anyway, yeah, I am thinking, Allah has always listened to my prayers.. How could I settle for less and be around those whose existence just brings anxiousness and chaos? There is literally no reason to still being attached to unhealthy interactions with others that add no value and could possibly make me stray away in my relationship with Allah.
With that being said, I realize that there are just some experiences that will leave me carrying what feels like an open wound in my heart all the time, but this time I believe I am strong enough to live on with it, irregardless. I believe Allah is always with me and He gives strength to carry on with life.
Thank you for reading this, Assalamualaikum.
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