Hollow

 

Assalamualaikum and hello. This post's title is inspired by Lee Hi's song Holo in which I've attached above, give it a listen! The song talks about loving yourself more when you're not in a good place. But mostly, I like how the title HOLO which means Alone in Korean also sounds like the English word Hollow, indicating emptiness. 

I know I talk about emptiness a lot. It's something I find a bit challenging to experience, I wish I could tell myself JUST BASK IN IT, AT LEAST YOU'RE NOT SAD, or WHAT'S WRONG WITH NOT DOING ANYTHING??? JUST STAY STILL!!! and BE CONTENT WITH WHERE YOU ARE AND WHAT YOU'RE DOING!!! but no hahaha. Feeling empty impacts me strong enough for me to have cried over experiencing it while in public and on the LRT.

This past week has been weird. As in yeah I have been sleeping after 3 as usual and waking up in the afternoon. Yeah, there's nothing surprising that I do nothing at all every day and still end up feeling overwhelmed and tired. Yeah, I have zero motivation to do anything and can't summon enough energy to make myself do stuff. Things are like usual then? 

Entahlah. Positive stuff has happened (besides COVID-19, god forbid). Got my first dose of the vaccine. Got my results, Alhamdulillah, both of my units were HD and thus my GPA is 4.0 as my Honours year results will be separated from my 3-year degree one. Did my research study's data collection and got over 270 responses already, Alhamdulillah. 

But why do I still wake up feeling like absolute trash and wish I don't have to wake up? Why do I not have a will to live, as in properly live life? 

Sigh, the new semester is starting next week too. The anxiousness is creeping and suffocating me slowly already. I've said it before and I will say it again, it doesn't matter how I do, or what my results are, I do not like Honours at all. I am bracing myself to another semester full of feeling stupid, helpless and hopeless. I am bracing myself to the mental breakdowns and negativity that will engulf me whole. I can't think of a single positive thing about this, even the environment or the people who only serve to multiply feelings of worthlessness and overthinking. I know, I sound like an entitled, whiny person. Yeah, I know, I should be aware of my privilege of being able to pursue an education at these trying times too. But I have always felt all my volunteer/internship/working experiences as being a thousand times better than studying. I feel like the process of research itself is so.. stagnant? Unrewarding? I'd like to be on the ground itself and do something that actually serves the people and is worth something, instead of some pat-yourself-on-the-back stuff that impacts no one except your inflated ego (and the university's rankings and fundings perhaps as a research university). Sorry, I know that isn't exactly true and loads of research has impacted people's lives but still, it's just the negative side of me speaking.

On to less negative stuff. Been journaling more consistently. Finished reading two books: Rutger Bregman's Utopia for Realists and Alain de Botton's Consolations of Philosophy. Binge read a few webtoons like Romance 101 and The Makeup Remover, they're both really good but as I'm not paying to read through all the chapters, I have to painstakingly wait for three days to be able to read the next chapter which is torture haha. Been really into SF9 lately, especially Hwiyoung and Yoo Taeyang. 

Yep, that's it. Anyway, a reminder to myself in case I'm reading back this post in the future whether one week or one month from now if I'm feeling the same way to please go for counselling hahaha. 

Bye, please pray these next few months will be a smooth sailing and calm one for me.