PMS pls ignore

trigger warning: suicide, self-harm

I really hate how much I am affected by PMS. I think I read somewhere that the impact of PMS to some is equivalent to one being on depressants or something. I don't have good memories of PMS, too many breakdowns and even self harm has occured in these period of times. 

It's 2.33AM and I'm just barely done crying while my mind takes me to dark places, why can't you just let me sleep zzzzzz. For some reason I'm thinking of 2019. 

I'm not sure if I've mentioned this before but in early 2019, I had this recurring thought/plan of commiting suicide on my birthday. My mind wasn't in the best place, I was crying every other night with suicidal thoughts, and I think during my birthday month it was the worst, I even had it planned how, where and when I will do it. I was reading up on various ways to do it, and when I accidentally one day saw a material related to doing it at the back of my house, I hate how my first thought was of "oh, I can use that". I'm so thankful that my friends brought me for dinner on the Friday of my birthday week, I felt like almost crying at that time too. 

I'll be honest, tonight I was triggered by reading about pretty messed up stuff online that disturbed my mind and made me feel a bit off, for example some cases of pedophilia in Malaysia and some gorey anime stuff that disgusted me. Additionally, I'm being overly sensitive and sad about some Honours related stuff and friendships in general. 

If I were you, I wouldn't like myself too. I'm thinking of how much I dislike myself and how others do too. I don't blame them. I don't like me so much too. I don't like how I might come off as annoying, overbearing, scary, cocky, bitchy, toxic, draining... basically someone anyone would wish they could cut off ties with and wished they never met. I don't like how I think. I don't like how I look. My Instagram profile picture is just me telling others how ashamed and embarrassed I am of how I look like. I know I'm an awkward person, a person people laugh at and don't take seriously, I don't blame that but I hate it so much. I'm a joke to everyone.

Funny, how opposite this post is to one of my previous posts about liking myself. 

Looking back, I'm wondering if I try to volunteer for stuff to make up for the fact of how worthless I feel I am to this world, if I'm not going to contribute anything in life I might as well die, and I would've just wasted everyone's time by living all this while being a worthless person. 

I hope I don't self harm again anytime soon. I've managed to limit myself to doing it only once a year since I started when I was 17. Last year's one was pretty bad, one of the worst I think, and it was during a PMS period. Ha. Ha. Yikes. Was having a mental breakdown due to my cats, feeling anxious if the new kittens born would die, and angry to my parents about the way they were handling it. 

Bloody hell this is only my first week of Honours. Let's pray I'll make it through this year alive.

3.00AM