To be content

Assalamualaikum and hello.

I was listening to a podcast by either Yasmin Mogahed or Aida Azlin, I can't remember. The topic was about being content and it got me reflecting on myself. As mentioned in previous posts, I am so, so, anxious and always ruminating that I am not doing enough, that I am not enough. But listening to the podcast made me stop and think that eh, I have done what needs to be done already? I'm done with my degree. I already got my offer letter to do my Honours next year. Alhamdulillah, I am blessed and privileged to be staying with my family to not need to work at the current moment to earn money. Why is my heart still full of unrest and worries and guilt then? Why do I have an imaginary audience in my own head judging me, expecting me, and telling me that what I'm doing is wrong? Why are they telling me I should be doing more? 

And I start questioning myself, am I not content with the situation I am now? Am I greedy, that I will never be satisfied with how much I have or whatever I have achieved? It got me worrying that if no matter how successful I will become in the future, I will never feel happy because I will always see the side of there being more to be achieved rather than being content to wherever I am, whatever I'm with and whoever's with me. And I don't want to be like that. I want to be someone who's content no matter what situation I am in. I think it would be such a shame to just die at any moment and only then realizing before the last breath that I never enjoyed what I had, that I never took the time to actually be happy at where I am and be satisfied with it but instead always thinking what I don't have.

So yeah I guess a few nights ago before sleeping I was thinking of so many things I take for granted. It was of my physical body to start off with. I have hands. My hands, used to draw and paint beautiful things. My hands, helping me to type and write to express my feelings. To touch and pet my cats, carry them, and feed them. To do my assignments, apply for jobs. To scroll through social media, turn the next page of books and the Quran. To message my friends. So many things to be thankful for that Allah has created hands for me that does not lack in anything. I don't know how I'll ever survive if my right hand doesn't work. 

And my eyes. To be able to appreciate all the colors and aesthetics around me. To marvel at nature, of Allah's creations, from cute cats that melt the heart to good-looking people (lol). To be able to read. To be able to judge and perceive colors when I color my drawings. To see my loved ones. To be able to express emotions, cry, and let others know when I am not okay. To let myself know when I am not okay. To be able to watch and appreciate movies, shows, K-Pop, etc. 

That's just two body parts, and the list of blessings I think we all forgot to appreciate with just those two is endless. And I just remembered about Allah's words from Surah Ar-Rahman that is repeated for 31 times: 

فَبِأَيِّ آَلَاءِ رَبِّكُمَا تُكَذِّبَانِ

Maka nikmat Tuhan kamu yang manakah yang kamu dustakan?

So which of the favors of your Lord would you deny?

This is still something I am working towards. To be content with the now. To just.. let go? And accept this long break I'm having, or if I am looking for work, to do so without the feelings of self-doubt that comes with it? I don't know. 

May Allah ease the burdens and heaviness that I have in my mind and heart. May Allah help me with trusting Him, and accepting that He knows best. May Allah help me to be content and appreciative with myself and the time I have.