As to most of my blog posts lol, this will be a very personal one. Just a disclaimer because I used to think it was okay sharing them for others to read until my friends have told me, "it's so personal," in which I'm unsure whether to interpret it in a good way or bad as in it makes others feel uncomfortable or drained (?). But just a heads up in case this isn't something you would like to be reading casually haha.
I started going for counselling, today marks my 3rd week in. It's almost my 3rd month of not doing anything, and someone has advertised this place before as an affordable place. Usually you could be charged even more than RM200 per session but this one is RM50 per session only. As I had time and worries (lol), I thought why not try it out? Why not invest in something that could help me untangle some knots in my head, understand myself better and unload? I guess it's a better approach of self-care too than short-term pleasures that will leave you feeling empty again afterwards.
I will not go into the details of everything that was addressed but will just say the gist of it. During the first session, I was so surprised myself when I started crying when I talked about past and present hurtful stuff(?) ahaha I was like yikes I didn't know this was something I am very much affected by still. One of the things the counsellor told me was that I have so many thoughts, opposing thoughts, and debates going on in my head lol I didn't realize that. Last week too as a homework she made me think about what I think of the term "failure/not succesful" because apparently my physical reaction to it was a bit extreme #triggered. And today, before ending she asked me to reflect back as to why my emotions don't match my words because apparently I was laughing and talking lightly about things that sounded too dark lel. I did ask her whether my words actually do reflect what I actually feel, because the stuff, thoughts and experiences come out naturally from my mouth and I don't really.. feel them? Macam cakap pasal weather je there's no emotions attached to it and then she started flipping back to her notes and pointed out all the serious stuff I have said and I was like yikes if I heard this coming out from someone else I would be very concerned. But yes, something to think about.
I'm still quite not used as to what is revealed when you start talking about things you've never thought about before actually talking about it. Does that makes sense? Like after saying some stuff, what comes out in reflex or naturally, the first reaction as to answer to a deep question, I'm always like.. wait what, did that actually came out from my own mouth? Was that how I really felt? That's how I think about myself?
Anyway, that's it regarding my experience so far. I've applied for four internships already haha still no feedback I'm getting quite hopeless. Not to mention my honours application still being processed for weeks, after the long period of me waiting for my lecturers to reply to my questions about their research topics I'm interested in, in which I was mostly ignored too. Ya Allah I can't imagine how it'll be if the Movement Control Order is resumed again. Apa aku nak buat dengan hidup aku hahaha.
Thanks for reading this, stay safe, take care of your physical and mental wellbeing. Much love.
Omg I can't believe I managed to restrain myself from totally vomiting out all the issues being discussed with the counsellor.
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