I've Graduated?

 

Assalamualaikum, hope this post finds anyone who reads this well. This will be a very heavily negative post (at least that's how it seems to me in my head before I write this), I apologize beforehand. 

So somehow, somehow, I managed to get through last semester what's with online learning and online finals, alhamdulillah and I've.. graduated? I've finished the compulsory 3 years for my Bachelor of Psychological Science degree at Monash University Malaysia. Pretty anti-climatic, it's just me with an equivalent of a 3.842 CGPA and that's just... it. 

When finals just ended, I was someone with such high ambitions lol. I wanted to apply to intern or volunteer in so many places, wanted to try out so many stuff, to read and actually do like my previous post about getting myself together. But here we are, almost two months after, doing almost absolutely nothing of value. Or maybe today's generation has made it seem that you are only of value when you align yourself to capitalistic goals and fit in what today's idea of achievement is in terms of productivity. I don't know. All I know is that I've gotten back with one ignored internship application and am currently recovering from being sick and the lethargic that comes along with the medications.

AAAAAAA I DON'T KNOW I'M SO FRUSTRATED WITH MYSELF. Sorry for the caps lock. Been pretty much unmotivated and have no will to go ahead and take charge of my life. Where's the fiery passion to do something useful for myself, for the community, for my future??? Where's the undying motivation to strive and build meaningful connections and experiences???? WHERE??? Every day feels like a big struggle to drag myself through very thick mud or something to just... wake up. Live. And it's a cycle of days passing by, wasted. I'm only writing this post after staring at my phone for the billionth hour and having my heart pounding, really, really noticing how drained my mind and thoughts are, and how empty it feels, thinking, this isn't right, this is not okay, I am not okay with this, I should not be okay with this, I can do so much better. There is a lot on my personal to-do list, but thinking about them, it's just like, the thought of having so much to do just paralyzes you to do nothing in the end, no? 

Let's try to see things more positively. Let's not disregard activities done out of leisure, resting, enjoying free time as something bad. I've hung out with my friends. Went out with my Psychology friends, once days after finals ended to KLCC another to celebrate Azlinah's birthday where we went for a picnic + walked around Taman Saujana Hijau in Putrajaya. Went out with Aynn multiple times, once to check out Tugu Negara, Saloma Link Bridge and KLCC and another time where I got to test out my driving skills again as we went to Huckleberry and karaoke at Sunway Pyramid. Met up and had dinner with my Sri Aman friends whom I absolutely adore and enjoy catching up with. Visited TFM as it was my previous supervisor's last day there plus my cousin Syifaq was interning there too. Spent a lot of time with family. Finished reading Khalil Gibran's The Prophet and that Diagnosis book written by our Malaysian doctors, now in the middle of reading Alain de Botton's Status Anxiety which is making me question about my life a lot HAHAHA. Painted. Finishing up a birthday gift from Chandra which is a paint-by-number kit of Venice, Italy. Went to a painting class where I got to do this beautiful full canvas painting with my brother in Shah Alam. Watched K-Dramas and finished them like The King: Eternal Monarch and Extracurricular, stopped watching It's Okay To Not Be Okay halfway. Now starting Gossip Girl (why didn't I watch this earlier, like in high school maybe? Would've made much more of an effort in glowing up and taking care of my appearances perhaps). Helped out a graduate student of my mum a bit in her PhD research of parents with children having Autism Spectrum Disorder, although I've been terribly procrastinating on this and having the burden of guilt weighing down on my shoulder every passing second, yikes. 

Am also full-time taking care of all the cats and kittens in my house. Yes, the mother cat gave birth again. Yes, it is a very financially, physically, and emotionally draining responsibility. The previous experience with the earlier batch was a traumatizing experience (tl;dr - all of them died) and I'm hoping I can do better with this one. Of course my money is draining out like waterfall here ha ha ha sobs. But I'm doing better. The previous batch died before they could reach their eighth week but this current one has five of them still actively alive reaching their tenth week now and I'n hoping they could survive long? Please. It's been an interesting experience of cleaning up after them, scrubbing their food place and scooping out their litter, testing out different types of litter etc. 

Anyway that's it, I suppose. Am hoping writing them all down here could help make my mind clearer. Am also hoping this would be a great piece of writing to look back on in the future. Until then. XOXO, Durrah (sorry this is the Gossip Girl effect).