Brighter days

 Assalamualaikum, a double update for today haha.

Although I talk about loneliness here, especially while being in London, things were actually slightly better as I returned back to London in January to start the new term. 

I have this pinned up on my wall haha, after reflecting on the things that made my mind worse during the previous term. 

Anyway, there was an attempt to get out of not-so-good feelings in my head. I tried my best to go out and do work at various libraries, which worked, because it was better than being cooped up in my room. I tried participating more in classes, and I wholly enjoyed all 3 classes that I took this term - Mental Health Policy, Qualitative Research Methods and Economics Analysis for Low-Middle Income Countries. Got back two of the assignments I worked on during the break and alhamdulillah, scored a Distinction for both of them, one on Meta-Analysis of Light Therapy for winter depression, and another on health concerns impacting women in South-East Asia. Joined the online Islamic group for Muslimahs all over the world by Aida Azlin, AA Plus, to feel less lonely, and enjoyed the sessions I joined so far with them. I tried to talk to people in my course more, and even went out with a coursemate in addition to watching Wicked the Musical with my flatmates. I tried initiating conversations more and saying yes when being invited to stuff, instead of saying no due to fear of being perceived weirdly when hanging out with others. Especially enjoyed getting to watch three musical performances for free at Goodenough College thanks to a Malaysian Chevening friend! Signed up for more talks, events, and volunteering opportunities promoted in the Malaysian Professionals' Whatsapp group. From Tan Sri DG Hisham's talk, to talks by IKIM's leadership team, and from Claire Brown who exposed Najib Razak's 1MDB scandal, to listening to Nurul Izzah twice, one for her personal sharing session and another for UKEC's Projek Amanat Negara held in Oxford University. The event also had speakers from New Naratif, and by Redza Minhat, Khairul Anwar (director of Mentega Terbang) and actor Iedil Putra. Last term, I only had the chance to listen to the current governor of Sarawak Tan Sri Wan Junaidi, Dato' Sri Zahid Hamidi, and past Chairman of Bersih, Thomas Fann (my second time meeting him, the first after volunteering as an Election Observer for Bersih in August for the elections in Selangor and us volunteers were treated to dinner!). Volunteered again several times under Rumi's Kitchen and MERCY Malaysia/UK to serve food for those who are in need. Signed up as a volunteer for Masdo's concert so that I could watch for free haha, I love their songs, and even pulled in a Sri Aman junior to join. We ended up having to sell drinks, but it was worth it and I loved watching them. Truly a core memory experience. Also went to watch both UCL and LSE's Malaysia Night, both very Malaysian-related and addressed the theme of patriotism. Some people were familiar, as I attended a mental health workshop activity for Malaysian students last term by MERCY UK. Didn't get to attend any gatherings by a Malaysian PhD student here who holds events every month as compared to last term - it was very entertaining to watch students release their stress through karaoke and food. Nevertheless, each of the events mentioned above provided an avenue to run away from the loneliness of being in a foreign country on your own, and I'm thankful for all the people I met through them. 

In terms of solo travels, I continued my wandering to a lot of places these past months too. Last term, I got to visit the National Portrait Gallery seeing works of famous artists including Leonardo Da Vinci, Raphael, Michaelangelo, Van Gogh, and others. I also visited the British Museum and saw all the heritage from all over the world being stolen by the British empire lol before I left back to Malaysia over the break. This term, started off visiting the famous bookstore Daunt Books and the nearby museum/exhibition, the Wallace Collection. Pretty sure the place is haunted, it felt like the eyes of the paintings were moving and following me. It's funny because one of the things I did when I went back to Malaysia was go to an Islamic healer, who suggested that there was a "gangguan"/disturbance in me, and I ended up having to bathe using sidr leaves for three days, which I did, even bringing it to my Pulau Pangkor holiday trip hahaha. Anyway. Visited the Victoria & Albert Museum, which reaaalllyyy gave me bad vibes, especially of the religious-related exhibitions of tombs from hundreds and thousands of years ago. Visited the Natural History Museum, and really enjoyed especially the exhbitions of prehistoric animals, including of dinosaurs, and reading up on how much science has progressed. Reflecting on these galleries and museums, I kept on thinking about how there's so much evidence on how miniscule we truly are - seeing works and fossils of hundreds of years ago, and knowing how many generations live and pass away, it really puts things into perspective when you get overwhelmed by the world you live in. I also thought about how fleeting our lives are, how forgettable, how little we matter in the grand scheme of things... but these works, these paintings, these discoveries, these knowledge, these structures, these buildings, they will long outlive all of us by hundreds, thousands of years, they are what's left of your legacy, and they stay immoveable against the test of time. Also visited the Science Museum, which also left me in awe of how much humanity had advanced over the years. Stopped by Tate Modern too on the way back from university once, in addition to an exhibition on beauty at The Wellcome Collection (which has a great library too!). I'm glad all of these exhibitions available are free of charge. 

Walked and tried out a lot of different foods. Attempted to walk back and forth from my accommodation to university and vice versa, which takes 45 minutes each way. Although the view of River Thames is great from various bridges such as Waterloo Bridge and Blackfriars Bridge, I don't think I'm physically active enought to it every day haha. I've long done my Southeast Asian (mostly Malaysian) food tour test - Med Salleh, Rasa Sayang, C&R Chinatown, Halia, Tukdin, 7th Floor Tea Room Holborn, Duck & Noodle, Melur, Mei Mei, Rotiking, Gopal's Corner and Dapur. Tried out other halal Asian food too, of lanzhou style beef noodles at Papa Noodle, Asian American PF Chiang, Korean fast food Wing Wing and Bunshik, Indian restaurant Dishoom, and vegetarian options at places such as My Old Dutch pancakes and noodles at Wagamama. Chicken shops similar to the ones featured in Chicken Shop Date videos such as Slim Chicken, Wingstop and Morley's were places I've tried too. Ice cream at Amorino is great and so are the cookies and ice cream at Ben's Cookies. Visited Camden Market last term, although the categorization of some food as Malaysian was not convincing lol, and have eaten several times at Borough Market considering it's just 15 mins walk away from where I live. Gave a hand at cooking, and my favorites would be of my own English breakfast that costs probably less than half of what you get in restaurants here, in addition to making creamy pasta using instant store bought tortellini and ravioli filled with spinach and cheese. Overall, meal times are things I look forward to, and I sometimes find myself looking at menus of restaurants in the middle of class haha. 

So yeah, this has been a dump of things done to brighten my life a little bit here. I think it also serves as a good reminder to myself, I always find my thoughts spiraling on not doing enough, of FOMO, of being stagnant, of thinking I'm wasting my time, of not being able to make new friends, of believing I'm not doing anything interesting... while there's actual evidence of having gone through trying out a lot of new things in the six months I've been here! Girl Durrah get out of your head and touch some grass. 

I hope the next stretch until the end of my Master's goes well. Had a mini breakdown over trying to figure out what to do for my dissertation, especially that my original supervisor moved to another university. Two more assignments by mid-May, three exams by early June, and one dissertation due on mid-August to go. Whew. Please pray I survive these next four months (writing it down, omg it really is all happening within such a short span of time). Have also been very much overthinking on what's next after this Master's end, of potential career paths, further education, on whether to stay here or go back, and so much other thoughts that overwhelm me from time to time lol. Have even submitted several job applications here, although the thought of being away from my family and Malaysia brings a lot of heartache. Here's to taking things one step at a time, to trust Allah's plans, and believing that there is a bright future ahead for me, unlike what my brain tells me instead. 

Assalamualaikum, and have a good next three quarter of the year ahead!