Better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all.
Seven months ago, on a trip to the clinical psychologist, I was told to do this Character Strengths survey as homework to identify what are my strengths and how I can utilize it for my future for example, using it as a tool for motivation or moving forward. It was a survey I did before in a Positive Psychology unit 2 years back. In both times, I scored the lowest in forgiveness (something I need to work on) because unlike the saying "forgive but never forget" it's always the other way round for me asdfghjkl. Anyway, this time, out of all the 24 character strengths, my highest scored strength was.. love.
It wasn't surprising. I was newly rejected by someone I liked at that time. The memories were still fresh, truthfully, I would do anything for the person I cared about if they needed help. Looking back now, I would do so even if it is unreciprocated because everything becomes unconditional when you like someone. But I'm not here to talk about that. I want to talk about my so-called love for psychology, of the country, of wanting to help the people here in Malaysia in regards to their mental health.
Before knowing more about psychology, I was already curious and attracted enough to the field, enough to say no to opportunities such as full scholarships by Petronas to study Law in the UK, enough to say no to a scholarship by MARA to study overseas doing Applied Biology, thinking for sure, no, Psychology is what I want to do. I endured judgements, taunts, by former teachers, family members, friends, strangers about choosing this field, because that's what you do when you love something.
"Are you sure she doesn't want to go into Medicine?" - my mom's friend to her
"Oh, Psychology." *followed by awkward laugh and disappointed face by my school Physics teacher*
"Ada ke anyone yang famous and succesful doing Psychology?" - an auntie
"You won't get money." - a taxi driver
"Belajar Psychology patutlah dah macam psycho hahaha" - almost every middle-aged male worker in the previous corporate company I worked in
From purposely provoking and taunting messages of their encounters with people from the field, I endured it. To putting in hours of unpaid, lowly paid internships and volunteer opportunities in order to get to know it better, to serve and give back to the community, I did it. I did it, despite the constant snide remarks given by family members, that I could've been making money instead, that I was just a part of a bubble for rich people to feel good about themselves, I ignored it (although the latter statement is worth reflecting, why are all these opportunities unpaid and in the end only letting privileged people to get the opportunity?). Up to my graduation day, I was still hearing my family members looking at the graduation book and pointing out the other courses, "these are the ones that will make money instead of yours."
Again, I keep on going, because that's what love does to you. I was progressing nearer to being able to do more for the sake of people's mental health anyway. I was applying for my dream Masters of Clinical Psychology programme, and I had it planned, to be able to work as a clinical psychologist in the public setting for every day people who cannot afford private healthcare, learn as much as I can, and in the future perhaps be involved in Malaysia's policymaking process in terms of improving the mental health system in Malaysia, e.g. improving accessibility, encourage its discussion to reduce stigma, to ensure that it is a field taken seriously and can be participated by everyone from all walks of life with subsidies given to those who need it, etc. I felt like I tried as best as I can, getting a 4.0 CGPA for my Honours, always juggling and balancing volunteering with other commitments at the same time, quitted working in a perhaps more stable environment to focus on Psychology and research and enduring what feels like constant emotional attacks this whole year and again, with minimum pay.
This love that I put out has to be fruitful right?
But alas, I got rejected after my interview. I think, similar to romantic rejection, especially when there is barely any explanation, one cannot help but to question and overthink why it happened. I will be honest, my immediate response upon receiving the rejection was shock, and the sentence that kept on popping on my mind was:
What does God want me to do? I thought this was what God wanted me to do.
And most of all, there was this feeling of.. a sense of loss of control over my life. This was a path that I invested the past seven years into, with decisions and choices made based on it, and now, it felt like I was supposed to go the opposite direction or move another direction that I was unfamiliar with. And up until now, I am still unsure of if this is a lesson from the universe to not accept rejection, be resilient, try harder and try again in the future by getting more experience and acquiring more knowledge, or is this a sign to move on with other pursuits, that what I'm meant for in the end is somewhere else and that I need to stop looking back. To just.. move on.
Anyway, two weeks in now past the rejection, I'd like to think I am at the acceptance stage and already formulated all the multiple pathways to move past this hahah. But for now, I'll just let the days pass by at least until my current commitment ends. We'll see.
More than seven months in the previous rejection which still hurts and stings every now and then when I think about it even with the absence of feelings, I can't imagine how long it will take for me to get over this one lol.
Maybe the biggest lesson is to not get attached to anything - regardless of a cause or person. Maybe the biggest lesson is to not hold any expectation of a certain outcome. To not hope for anything at all. To not have idealistic dreams. And just, go through day by day. No thoughts, head empty haha. I don't know.
You just end up being disappointed otherwise.
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