The Tower Tarot card represents chaos and destruction. It is the Major Arcana card of sudden upheaval and unexpected change. This change usually is scary, life-changing and often unavoidable. A negative Tower event can be akin to a bomb going off in your life. You don’t know how you will survive but somehow you will and later you will realize that while it was a tremendously difficult thing to go through and you wouldn’t wish it on your worst enemy, it has made you into the person you are. One positive aspect of The Tower is that the destruction it brings is usually directed at something that was built on a false beliefs and foundations or unrealistic goals and dreams.
side note: Tarot card readings are impermissible in Islam, I'm just using the phrase here for garnishing purposes lol.
Assalamualaikum and hey, salam Ramadan.
I guess this post is just a life update. I quitted work, got rejected by someone I liked, got told by a clinical psychologist I have severe depressive symptoms, went through some quarter-life crisis or something haha, let go of dreams I thought I wanted, rejected wonderful possible opportunities because I don't think I have the mental capacity for them, and yet on a positive note, I feel a little less lost now. In a nutshell.
Let's just start one at a time. Yep, I quit 3 months in. I guess things were not going on so fine in my head as I found myself on the verge of tears and crying before going to work and on the way back for weeks. There were a lot of days where I would just randomly wake up at 5AM just from feeling anxious. I couldn't force myself to eat during breakfast and lunch as I had no appetite on most days. The head of my department is called a 'psycho', and people don't turn up at work and avoid calls out of sheer anxiety when I checked up on them to see how they're doing (with suspicion of how they're feeling). I have my colleague in the same role as me bursting into tears in front of everyone just to express how much she dislikes another person and listed down all the other person's negative traits while the said person is absent. External parties getting sick from COVID-19 are called up to be told that they need to rush their work. A colleague who broke his leg from a vehicle accident is wished to get well soon by others so they could go back to work ASAP. People are guilty if they do not work during day-offs, nights, and weekends. The in-house counselor uses her phone during my session with her.
Well, let's just say I could not have escaped the place faster.
The ensuing days got me overthinking a lot. It's funny how being in a not-so-great environment could change your inner self as well. I was in a mindset of believing that I was a failure and weakling for not being able to even cope with that kind of working environment. I had dreams previously of applying to further my studies overseas but in my head, I was constantly ruminating: I'm not good at anything I'm not good at anything I'm not even interested in anything I'm going to end up hating everything I'm in I wouldn't amount to anything. So there go those dreams as I was unable to muster up any motivation to carry on with the applications. I was also doing some RA work for my lecturer and it was so, so, frustrating that these beliefs coupled up with struggles to just do something, and the inability to focus, how I felt stuck. It got to the point where I was just thinking in my head, I think I'm going insane.
It's so frustrating too as friends were telling me that they see me as the kind of person who should be studying overseas now, that I would suit doing a PhD, and I sincerely cannot comprehend where they are coming from, I just don't see it. Similarly, I was given an offer to potentially do a Masters that could lead to a PhD with half of the tuition covered and I said no, because I was convinced my brain wouldn't be able to take it and I don't have the capacity for it, that I would fail in it and disappoint if I tried. I think these feelings of worthlessness and low self-esteem was exacerbated by being rejected and ghosted for a while by someone I really liked HAHAHA, which I will not elaborate further.
I got help. Met up with my seniors doing their PhD which made me question what is it that I wanted to do and have clear passion in. Went to see a clinical psychologist, who pointed out my current mindset of imagining the worst case possible in every single thing as of now, and to try having a perspective of "what if it works out?" instead, and to reflect on what others see of me rather than the negative self-image I have of myself. I guess.. I'm trying. I'm trying my best to remind myself that I'm a not-so-bad person, that I have things within myself to be proud of and all.
With that being said, am taking baby steps to take things one day at a time and to extend more kindness and love to myself. I think I feel a lot better but it does take conscious effort to actively be less negative. I think I am a little less lost now, in terms of what I want to do in the future, as I reflected on myself, my initial purpose of going into my degree, and what I wish I could contribute to. I think the corporate life experience confirmed that I would rather do something I love and find meaning in rather than being somewhere I feel empty in even if it pays well haha. Goodbye, possibility of being rich HAHAHA. But this current dream of mine depends a lot on my success in its application which opens this month, and the competition is very tough, so please pray for me!
Also, I think one of the biggest lessons I have learned in these past few months is that only I am responsible for my own happiness. I cannot make others be responsible for it nor expect them of it. I have to take charge of my own happiness and do the things that would contribute to it, both short and long term, without being reliant or dependent on anything or anyone else. I need to be there for myself.
That's it for today. Hoping for future posts to include more positive things to talk about, insyaAllah.
Bye.
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