It's not the end of the world

 ..or at least that's what I'm trying to convince myself with.

God, I wish I was less of the negative person my mum tells me I am every day. I wish I was the kind of person who sees the silver lining in every situation. I wish I was someone who believes there is a light at the end of the tunnel. I wish I was someone who wakes up full of motivation to make the best out of each day. 

But I'm not.

Welcome back to another not-so-positive post, it's your girl Durrah, reporting from the depths of darkness and pain her mind is in, or has always been in. Lol. Life updates? I'm done with my Honours year. Ended it with a First-Class honours and a 4.0 GPA, alhamdulillah. Don't even ask me how, if you've been reading this blog throughout the year you would've known how much I suffered and lost hope and thought so badly of myself haha. 

What else? I've started working. Ah, my biggest source of pain right now. Where do I even start. Sent in my resume without thought for an online career fair that I didn't even remember during the semester. Got an invitation for a group interview for a company for a programme two days before it happened during the middle of study week before Finals. Finals happened, finals ended, had a happy one week of break with all these plans in my mind of movies, series to watch, books to read, places to travel as mentioned in this blog before just to.. take a break lah kan? I feel like I deserve it. Suddenly got an email that I was to start working directly the day after the email was sent, with no time to prepare emotionally and mentally. So there goes all my plans of a break lmao. 

But Durrah, be grateful! Yes, I know, I realize, how ungrateful this post sounds like, how much of a first-world problem it is. I just... wished I had a longer break. It has been a tiring, tough year, and the only break I had was one week. I just.. wished I'm doing something I asked for in a field I am passionate in. For more context, this programme I am in is actually a government programme for unemployed graduates to be placed in a company for 6-months with minimum wage (lower than minimum actually considering it's an intern-level programme) and no allocation to EPF/SOCSO, with the qualifications needed being a 2.75 CGPA. 

I just feel like... I didn't study for 4 years of Psychology, getting a 4.0 GPA, with the intention of doing something to help others in the field of Psychology or NGOs... for this. For more more context, what I'm doing now has nothing to do with Psychology, and it's been almost a month and there are still days where I am left with nothing to do the whole day despite asking for things to do, just waiting for the time to pass faster so I can leave the office each day. I feel like it's such a different environment from what I'm used to in NGOs/academia, now being in a government-linked company with almost no diversity and different culture.

Positive sides. It's really not a bad programme, I'm just not the right person for it. People join this with the expectation to be fully absorbed as a permanent staff, as they voluntarily and willingly apply for it without being coerced by their parents with it being aligned to their career path and field of study. That person... is not me. I'm trying to tell myself that hey, it's just for 6 months, perfect timing if I want to start doing a Master's programme by September (lmao by the first day of work I already made up my mind I'm going to continue studying). It ticks off a lot of my first-time experience boxes that I was curious about: Of working in the government centre, working in a corporate setting, working a 9-5 (or 8.30-5.30 in my case) office job, of working in a predominantly Malay setting, of working in a tall building in the heart of Kuala Lumpur. 

Speaking in the psychological sense, I've heard how people say there are therapists who had to spend a whole session for the client to just describe how working/corporate life is just because the therapist had no other working experience and cannot relate or imagine how it's like, so this is real life experiential learning for me haha. Plus, my Honours thesis was about organizational psychology, well, there you go, here's real life experience. In the social psychology sense, I can definitely see the stark difference between different working settings, across races, across ages, across socioeconomic backgrounds, and  across government vs private/NGO sectors just to name a few. 

In terms of knowledge, yes, I am learning a lot, especially of the Malaysian economic (?) landscape considering it is a money-related company (there's probably a better term for this I'm so sorry I'm a Psychology graduate not business). I'm learning about the reality of life as a Malaysian from when they start working until after they retire, the policies and initiatives formed by the nation to ensure one can survive and live well when they are old. I'm learning about the millions of Malaysians who have suffered from the COVID-19 pandemic in terms of finance and the assistance they need. I'm learning about how resilient Malaysians are, of how everyone is working hard to secure a better future for themselves and their families. 

More on knowledge, because the department I am in is so outside of the scope I'm used to and is heavily technology-based, I guess it's a plus point that I'm getting to learn so much about artificial intelligence? I get to learn how machine learning works through natural language processing (NLP) and how AI is the way forward in making assistance more accessible (although this is debatable, considering the existing digital divide between those privileged and not). In fact I am currently writing this post in the middle of a break from a whole day of a bot building training haha. But one thing I find most interesting is how.... similar machine learning is with the learning of human mind. How similar the process is with humans' cognitive process lol. So yeah, this is me, a person who has studied the human mind, now also studying how to train machines to be able to replicate a human mind in processing information and interacting with humans. In summary. Watch me create an AI focusing on assisting people with mental health issues in 10 years lol.

Anyway, I still am trying my best to accept where I am now. I am trying to tell myself it's not the end of the world, I am not here permanently, that there is more to life. I'm trying my best to ignore the pain and heartache I'm feeling from being somewhere I wish I am not, but some days are tougher than others. I'm trying my best to ignore the hollow feeling I have in my chest of not doing something I have interest in. I'm still accepting the fact that I have to grow up and become an adult, and to say goodbye to my youth, of university life, of a student.. at least for a while. I am still grieving over the end of my youth. I'm not sure whether I will be able to maintain being here until the end, but we'll see. 

Until then, stay safe.