Something Positive

 Assalamualaikum and hello! 

I'm writing here to see if it's possible for me to focus on more positive stuff. I admit that it's been quite hard to get out of the negativity that's in my head and focusing on the bad stuff occurring all over the world, that to think optimistically about something feels like a foreign concept for a long time now. And it's sad because whenever I come across the things I used to like, I also think of that less-stressed, happier version of myself in the past, and I feel like I can barely recognize her. So this is my attempt to write something more positive.

I've been watching this K-Drama called Hometown Cha Cha Cha starring Kim Seonho and Shin Min Ah and I'm obsessed. It's like free therapy haha, it's so peaceful and healing, it makes me think of moving to a countryside and live there my whole life. Definitely something relaxing and calming to watch in between feeling anxious all the time. Funny that the last episode will coincide with the week of my thesis submission deadline, as if it's saying it'll be there with me every week as emotional support as I go through this semester. On the other hand, I didn't finish watching Nevertheless, the storyline is the perfect representation of a toxic relationship and is only making me feel frustrated lol. Didn't continue with Penthouse Season 3 too because of how out of hand the storyline was getting.

Besides finding videos of Kim Seonho to watch on Youtube, I've also been watching clips of this survival show called Girls Planet 999. I don't think I can keep up with the weekly episodes just like I did with Produce 101 S1 & 2, but it's been great looking at the amazing performances. People I've been keeping an eye on from the show are Su Rui Qi, Yujin, Fu Yaning, and others whose names I don't remember. Been watching clips from this dance show called Street Woman Fighter as well, it's really entertaining to watch Mnet trying to stir up drama using their editing hahaha. Great to see all these dancers of iconic K-Pop artists getting their recognition, as well for their choreographies. Some names I've picked up from the show would be Noze, Lee Jung Lee, Gabi, and Monika. 

I've been walking. Jogging. Running. A lot. Probably not a lot compared to other people, but a lot compared to Durrah's whole life trajectory haha. I really didn't see this coming at all. This only started from when I went out for walks while working with SOLS Health, but nowadays every now and then I would ask any of my family members to accompany me to go to the park either in the morning or evening. Been reading a lot on how exercising is great for mental health, and I really hope so. It's nice to be out in the open, being able to see other people, listening to music, and look at the skies and trees. I track my steps using Samsung Health on my phone, and I try to at least reach 4000 steps whenever I'm out walking. On very, very, good days it can go up to 6000 steps. I've been sad a lot so it's really great to use this as a coping mechanism. 

I have only six more weeks to go until my Honours finish, and I can't wait for it considering how it has completely torn apart my mental health into shreds hahaha. I've completed a full writeup of my thesis, over 9000 words, one month before the deadline lol. It's definitely not perfect, it's definitely very flawed and rushed work, but I'm telling myself done is better than perfect. I still have time to fix and review it based on the comments given by my lecturers. Plus I need to juggle this with my other upcoming assignments too. There's the big presentations next week, I hope I can breathe easier afterwards. Definitely hate my work being judged and out in the public, I prefer to just send in any work directly to the thesis but yeaaa life isn't like that. 

If you have been keeping up with my blog or talked to me you would know how much my mind changes in terms of what I want to do in the future. As of now, I've been thinking a lot about the initial reason I wanted to study Psychology, and it was to help people with their mental health by being a clinical psychologist. I know throughout the years there has been a lot of other interests pulling me in their directions, from their 'shine', their prestige, their monetary rewards, the feeling of being able to do big things and change the country, the society and the world and I also know that these might come again in the future. But I also realize that these are all the things that gives me the most anxiety and feelings of not being enough. I don't know, I had a chat with my university counsellor, and she asked me, if I didn't care about what others think of me, of what I think others are expecting of me, of money, of comparing myself to others, what do I want to do? After I told her my answer, she said she could visibly see me looking more relaxed and less tense when I told her what I would want to do if I didn't care about all of those. She told me to consider what this means for me. 

That's right guys, I'm moving to South Korea. Jokes. Gosh, adding on to all the daydream stuff from the previous post, there's so many things I'd wanna do after being done with Honours just to repair my brain and emotions haha. Read all the books I've bought and didn't read. Paint. Watch series like Money Heist, The Crown, and old K-Dramas I stopped watching halfway. Watch stress free reality shows like New Journey to the West and Two Days One Night. Paint. Write. Sleep early, get to wake up to do Qiyamullail. Delete all social media (the source for so many negative feelings I swear to god). Take like a one to two months of break to just... breathe. It's been hard to do so lately, feeling like being in a never ending marathon. 

Hope anyone reading this is doing well on their end. Goodbye.