Assalamualaikum, wishing everyone who reads this well.
2020 isn't over yet but here I am already writing a review of my year haha. I usually only do this in January for the past few years but I doubt that anything much will change in the next few days until the new year emerges. Am actually quite tired now because I'm in the midst of replacing my puasa. Will start this post with these stories I posted on Instagram because I'm too lazy to retype them again:
I feel like whatever that needs to be reflected has also been written in previous posts this year, I don't feel like repeating them again hahah. But maybe I'll repeat some stuff here and there hm. On things that were not brought much in social media perhaps because they weren't that positive include being involved in a car accident in the fastest highway lane whereby the car I was in crashed into the car in front while the car behind collided with us, going to the emergency department of the hospital because my parents thought I got COVID-19, not being able to sleep at all for around seven scattered nights when the last time I didn't sleep at all was only 10 years ago and that was only because it was my first night of reaching Mekah and performing Umrah.
Ok more oversharing time hahaha of a general commentary on how this year was like. Honestly, and this is quite embarrassing of me to say this here, I entered this year clinging on to a bit of feelings of not getting over someone la and disliking some people. It was something I got over with very very suddenly (which I am thankful for) while volunteering in January and February, with the satisfaction of tiredness in taking care of all the children and having my eyes opened to bigger, more important things happening in front of me and realizing that there are people whose lives are filled with challenges in which we as more privileged people should do our best to ease their burden. And then COVID-19 happened. Looking back, going through the final semester online in the midst of a pandemic felt like being stuck in limbo. Negative news was everywhere, we were all at home uncertain of the future and felt disconnected from everyone else. I thought it was ridiculous to also be worrying about studies in all this anxiousness. I couldn't sleep properly and it was difficult to have to still carry on with classes after only a few hours of sleep or none and to struggle with assignments. It was my first time in my years of studying of asking for a deadline extension for an assignment because I was simply burned out and really can't drag myself to finish it on time.
And the cats and kittens. You're probably bored of me bringing this up again but losing a lot of them this year was a nightmarish, hell-like experience for me. I think I was talking about the guilt and sadness of this up until my last session with my counselor. I think overall I became extremely worried and paranoid about the remaining cats, it was an emotionally exhausting journey of suddenly going out of the house at 2-3AM, sometimes even 4AM to check on the cats and feeding them in the middle of the night, of scrubbing their food plates after Subuh, and breaking down to the mother cat giving birth again before she was sent to be spayed.
I'd like to think the final quarter of the year was better in which things were much calmer in a sense? With COVID-19 stats in Malaysia improving (at least for a while, can't say the same for now) and up to now, I got to meet up with friends and family, and was able to do things that were.. healing? Things that helped me realize that I can take charge of my life? These include reading, writing, drawing, painting, watching TV shows and movies, going for counseling, and making an effort to like trying to do what's best for me in terms of for the future.
This is a cliche prompt but what will I advise to myself throughout the year from the current me now? Please RELAX hahahahhaha. Why are you so stressed out over the things you cannot control? Why do you put yourself at gunpoint over imaginary high expectations of others? You are enough just by being you and doing you, unconditionally. Please stop thinking too much of what you should or shouldn't do, please stop thinking too hard about what others are thinking. You are doing fine. And this is coming from me, myself, to you, yourself, Durrah: I love you. Everything will be fine, insyaAllah. You are not alone. I love you and want what is best for you. I want you to be happy on your own terms. I want you to realize you are okay, you are loved.
Bye, that was very cringy but I honestly really need that plastered in my mind, to be more kind to myself. Moving on. Yes, this is a very long post. Let's see what I have written at the beginning of this year on what I hoped I could fulfill in 2020:
"2020 resolutions. Hm. Same as before, I'd like to maintain a good relationship with my Creator. I'd also like to be more in peace and relaxed, I've planned to not be a part of any clubs next semester and just focus on my academics. I'd like to be better in studies, hopefully no more doing work last minute and hopefully I get enough sleep hahaha no more skipping sleep and feeling like dying for a month straight pls. What else? I want to avoid stressful and possibly toxic people, situations and surroundings. Maybe control more what I think, say, and do. To not say and do things I will regret later. To not disclose myself too much to people I will regret telling to later. I feel like in 2019 I might have overshared and disclosed too much to others, especially to others who definitely do not need to know that much about me hahah. Perhaps I was a bit overbearing too as a friend. That's why I hope I can keep more to myself in 2020, and just.. focus on me."
Just skimming through it I'm already laughing at how some weren't achieved hahaha. Peace and relaxed definitely not. Totally bombed that not procrastinating and getting enough sleep part. Controlling what I think was a challenge this year. I did manage to not be involved with any extracurricular activities during the semester. In terms of my relationship with Allah, I think I'm becoming better at being more vulnerable and in asking for help from Him. Hm whereas in not disclosing myself to others, come to think about it, I don't think it's a bad thing after all, and it definitely helped to communicate more with others especially in this time. Avoiding people and situations came naturally too due to this pandemic. And the overall hope of focusing on myself... well... I guess I tried hahaha. Though the situations might not allow for it to happen? But again I really got to go through things on my own and carry out activities that were focused on just myself this year, whether good or bad.
Before I start on stuff about 2021, here are the books I managed to read this year too (I don't think I can manage to squeeze in another one in a few days, but I'm now in the middle of reading Jane Austen's Mansfield Park):
I realize that I tend to find it easier and faster to read fiction books like Shine and Sex and Vanity. Although they may require less effort to read, I'm thankful for them for providing the escapism needed and joy while reading them. It's what I would read when I'm tired and can be actually relaxing. But the other spiritual, philosophical, and self-help books are also crucial no matter how difficult it is to actually stop and reflect on its content to see how it applies in my own life, and I'm also grateful for them. These are books that will remind me of my being on this Earth and that self-improvement is something I can always strive towards. The best books I would recommend from this list would be Man's Search for Meaning, Purification of the Heart, Shine (no matter how cringey it is it reminds me of happier days of reading fanfiction while studying at SMR and in Melbourne hahaha) and Animal Farm.
On to 2021 resolutions! Ok I'm quite scared to list them down because somehow some will get fulfilled in mysterious ways. For example, in early 2019 I remember saying jokingly to my friends I wonder how it feels to go through heartbreak and want to experience it, that same year I experienced something similar and really regretted saying those words lol. Then early this year too because I was very stressed out from the previous year or carrying out multiple responsibilities that I aimed to not be involved with any additional stuff while studying. I found myself being stopped from signing up for stuff while the semester was going on lol. Like suddenly my family will have something on the same day of registering for something and going through a briefing, or the deadline for another thing was suddenly brought earlier before I can manage to sign up for it.
Therefore, in 2021, I hope to: Take care of my health better. These includes actually sleeping enough at proper times, eat good food, actually, actually, exercise frequently, drink more water, and taking my supplements. I want to also be better for my mental health. To be consistent in this, not just when it gets overwhelming. I can practice journaling, blogging more, meditating (?), drawing, and grounding techniques for this. Knowing that I tend to have my emotions easily influenced by social media too, it would be great for me to reduce its usage and to not purposely look for things that I know will upset me or make me angry hahaha. I need to realize that I have my own life to focus on, and any negative things I encounter online does not necessarily always need a response and that it may be more of a reflection on the person posting them rather than something I need to overthink about. I would also like to just go with the flow instead of worrying ahead of things that might or might not happen, things 5, 10 years from now, all of which would not be affected by worrying about it now. I need to learn to trust Allah, to surrender to Him, that He knows what is best for me, and have planned everything beautifully already on my own timing. And lastly, of course, I want to improve my relationship with Allah.
Praying that 2021 would be a kinder year for all of us and that we are more prepared and resilient in facing whatever challenge that will come. We can get through it, insyaAllah. We are not alone. Like Dumbledore's quote in Harry Potter: “Help will always be given to those who ask for it." All we need to do is actually seek it and be open to receiving help instead of breaking ourselves trying to solve or handle problems by ourselves.
Thanks for reading this, Assalamualaikum, and happy new year!
2020 isn't over yet but here I am already writing a review of my year haha. I usually only do this in January for the past few years but I doubt that anything much will change in the next few days until the new year emerges. Am actually quite tired now because I'm in the midst of replacing my puasa. Will start this post with these stories I posted on Instagram because I'm too lazy to retype them again:
Ok more oversharing time hahaha of a general commentary on how this year was like. Honestly, and this is quite embarrassing of me to say this here, I entered this year clinging on to a bit of feelings of not getting over someone la and disliking some people. It was something I got over with very very suddenly (which I am thankful for) while volunteering in January and February, with the satisfaction of tiredness in taking care of all the children and having my eyes opened to bigger, more important things happening in front of me and realizing that there are people whose lives are filled with challenges in which we as more privileged people should do our best to ease their burden. And then COVID-19 happened. Looking back, going through the final semester online in the midst of a pandemic felt like being stuck in limbo. Negative news was everywhere, we were all at home uncertain of the future and felt disconnected from everyone else. I thought it was ridiculous to also be worrying about studies in all this anxiousness. I couldn't sleep properly and it was difficult to have to still carry on with classes after only a few hours of sleep or none and to struggle with assignments. It was my first time in my years of studying of asking for a deadline extension for an assignment because I was simply burned out and really can't drag myself to finish it on time.
And the cats and kittens. You're probably bored of me bringing this up again but losing a lot of them this year was a nightmarish, hell-like experience for me. I think I was talking about the guilt and sadness of this up until my last session with my counselor. I think overall I became extremely worried and paranoid about the remaining cats, it was an emotionally exhausting journey of suddenly going out of the house at 2-3AM, sometimes even 4AM to check on the cats and feeding them in the middle of the night, of scrubbing their food plates after Subuh, and breaking down to the mother cat giving birth again before she was sent to be spayed.
I'd like to think the final quarter of the year was better in which things were much calmer in a sense? With COVID-19 stats in Malaysia improving (at least for a while, can't say the same for now) and up to now, I got to meet up with friends and family, and was able to do things that were.. healing? Things that helped me realize that I can take charge of my life? These include reading, writing, drawing, painting, watching TV shows and movies, going for counseling, and making an effort to like trying to do what's best for me in terms of for the future.
This is a cliche prompt but what will I advise to myself throughout the year from the current me now? Please RELAX hahahahhaha. Why are you so stressed out over the things you cannot control? Why do you put yourself at gunpoint over imaginary high expectations of others? You are enough just by being you and doing you, unconditionally. Please stop thinking too much of what you should or shouldn't do, please stop thinking too hard about what others are thinking. You are doing fine. And this is coming from me, myself, to you, yourself, Durrah: I love you. Everything will be fine, insyaAllah. You are not alone. I love you and want what is best for you. I want you to be happy on your own terms. I want you to realize you are okay, you are loved.
Bye, that was very cringy but I honestly really need that plastered in my mind, to be more kind to myself. Moving on. Yes, this is a very long post. Let's see what I have written at the beginning of this year on what I hoped I could fulfill in 2020:
"2020 resolutions. Hm. Same as before, I'd like to maintain a good relationship with my Creator. I'd also like to be more in peace and relaxed, I've planned to not be a part of any clubs next semester and just focus on my academics. I'd like to be better in studies, hopefully no more doing work last minute and hopefully I get enough sleep hahaha no more skipping sleep and feeling like dying for a month straight pls. What else? I want to avoid stressful and possibly toxic people, situations and surroundings. Maybe control more what I think, say, and do. To not say and do things I will regret later. To not disclose myself too much to people I will regret telling to later. I feel like in 2019 I might have overshared and disclosed too much to others, especially to others who definitely do not need to know that much about me hahah. Perhaps I was a bit overbearing too as a friend. That's why I hope I can keep more to myself in 2020, and just.. focus on me."
Just skimming through it I'm already laughing at how some weren't achieved hahaha. Peace and relaxed definitely not. Totally bombed that not procrastinating and getting enough sleep part. Controlling what I think was a challenge this year. I did manage to not be involved with any extracurricular activities during the semester. In terms of my relationship with Allah, I think I'm becoming better at being more vulnerable and in asking for help from Him. Hm whereas in not disclosing myself to others, come to think about it, I don't think it's a bad thing after all, and it definitely helped to communicate more with others especially in this time. Avoiding people and situations came naturally too due to this pandemic. And the overall hope of focusing on myself... well... I guess I tried hahaha. Though the situations might not allow for it to happen? But again I really got to go through things on my own and carry out activities that were focused on just myself this year, whether good or bad.
Before I start on stuff about 2021, here are the books I managed to read this year too (I don't think I can manage to squeeze in another one in a few days, but I'm now in the middle of reading Jane Austen's Mansfield Park):
On to 2021 resolutions! Ok I'm quite scared to list them down because somehow some will get fulfilled in mysterious ways. For example, in early 2019 I remember saying jokingly to my friends I wonder how it feels to go through heartbreak and want to experience it, that same year I experienced something similar and really regretted saying those words lol. Then early this year too because I was very stressed out from the previous year or carrying out multiple responsibilities that I aimed to not be involved with any additional stuff while studying. I found myself being stopped from signing up for stuff while the semester was going on lol. Like suddenly my family will have something on the same day of registering for something and going through a briefing, or the deadline for another thing was suddenly brought earlier before I can manage to sign up for it.
Therefore, in 2021, I hope to: Take care of my health better. These includes actually sleeping enough at proper times, eat good food, actually, actually, exercise frequently, drink more water, and taking my supplements. I want to also be better for my mental health. To be consistent in this, not just when it gets overwhelming. I can practice journaling, blogging more, meditating (?), drawing, and grounding techniques for this. Knowing that I tend to have my emotions easily influenced by social media too, it would be great for me to reduce its usage and to not purposely look for things that I know will upset me or make me angry hahaha. I need to realize that I have my own life to focus on, and any negative things I encounter online does not necessarily always need a response and that it may be more of a reflection on the person posting them rather than something I need to overthink about. I would also like to just go with the flow instead of worrying ahead of things that might or might not happen, things 5, 10 years from now, all of which would not be affected by worrying about it now. I need to learn to trust Allah, to surrender to Him, that He knows what is best for me, and have planned everything beautifully already on my own timing. And lastly, of course, I want to improve my relationship with Allah.
Praying that 2021 would be a kinder year for all of us and that we are more prepared and resilient in facing whatever challenge that will come. We can get through it, insyaAllah. We are not alone. Like Dumbledore's quote in Harry Potter: “Help will always be given to those who ask for it." All we need to do is actually seek it and be open to receiving help instead of breaking ourselves trying to solve or handle problems by ourselves.
Thanks for reading this, Assalamualaikum, and happy new year!
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