I Like Me Better When I'm With (Me)

I'm currently on my bed at 12:30AM having a mini karaoke session singing loudly by myself to songs from the 2000s. And I'm loving the rush of serotonin in my brain as I feel like I can let loose when I'm with myself. I love the random moments I get the surge of adrenaline to jump about and dance and pretend like I'm having a concert on my own while listening to Queen or Jack Stauber's Buttercup. I love the company that I give to myself as I laugh at funny videos, crack memes, squeal and fangirl over my favorite celebrities or while reading fanfics and watching Korean dramas.

I accept that sometimes the conversations that I have in my head, the ideas that bounce around in my mind, of opinions and perspectives that I have of everything is best understood by myself, that I myself is the greatest conversation partner I can have that doesn't need catching up to nor that I have to slow down for. At times I still look back longingly to the times when I was in Melbourne and I took myself to watch movies on my own like Bohemian Rhapsody and Crazy Rich Asians, of being able to eat whatever and wherever I want on my own, getting to cafe hop freely eating aesthetically pleasing food and drinking lattes by myself at brunch places, jumping and singing along to Day6's concert sitting in the middle of strangers, and exploring the National Gallery of Victoria by myself and checking out the special Museum of Modern Art exhibition. 

Times when I get to laugh freely and overreact to K-Pop videos for example got me thinking, when else can I be like this? Who else can I show this side of me to? That I can be myself wholly without fear of judgement. There are a number of times where I feel like I need to suppress myself in front of others, I need to align myself to the quiet, introverted, serious, rationale person people might expect of me, of someone my age perhaps. I miss being the person Adeebah has to tell to shut up in class discussions because I keep on offering crack ideas to the whole class without inhibition. I miss being the person Nihad had to ask in the morning after logging in the prefect room "Why are you smiling so much?" because I genuinely feel like smiling widely (which was creepy to be honest but I didn't mind back then) and am really happy seeing the faces of other prefects. I feel like if I do the same now I would probably be seen as a weird person. 

Yeah, I like having deep, meaningful experiences whether they are conversations, causes, or through visual mediums such as books, art, movies. At the same time I love shallow stuff. I enjoy devouring the most useless celebrity gossip, mindless entertainment, cringe romance books, stupid jokes, TikToks, Malay influencers tea and watching other's excess use of wealth perhaps. I love them both. I don't think it's right to see yourself as superior to another just because you're more interested in one over the other. I love that I'm like this. And yes, I like me better when I'm with me. 

Anyway, this has been another more positive (?) post haha. Hope everyone's doing great, have a great weekend and week ahead!