7PM, library, 3rd floor.
The day has ended and I'm left again with the recurring feeling of being guilty. There's this thing in which each time I open my mouth to say something I end up having a bad taste in my mouth and regretting stuff, wishing I never attempt to speak again. I get disgusted by whatever I say and I have a feeling others do too.
Yesterday morning, I woke up with a heavy feeling of guilt. Guilt and sorry to everyone around me. Guilty for being alive. Feels like everything would be fine if nothing is done, but I always end up digging a deeper hole that makes me feel worse. Crying helped me to wake up instead of going back to sleep after the 3 hour sleep the night before, what I needed to actually do my assignment.
People say I overthink. I guess I do in the sense that I annoy others by constantly asking them if my thoughts are just thoughts or if they are true. But these thoughts pester me so much that I might go mad if I just suppress them.
My friend says I have everything, what do I have to feel insecure of? But I'm not insecure. I don't wish to be anyone else, nor do I wish to have more of something. Having everything doesn't stop one from having attitude problems and being mean. Something I believe is wrong with me, because I feel like I'm always doing stuff that hurts others through my words and messages.
I don't like me. I don't like the toxic me. I don't know. My head hurts.
The day has ended and I'm left again with the recurring feeling of being guilty. There's this thing in which each time I open my mouth to say something I end up having a bad taste in my mouth and regretting stuff, wishing I never attempt to speak again. I get disgusted by whatever I say and I have a feeling others do too.
Yesterday morning, I woke up with a heavy feeling of guilt. Guilt and sorry to everyone around me. Guilty for being alive. Feels like everything would be fine if nothing is done, but I always end up digging a deeper hole that makes me feel worse. Crying helped me to wake up instead of going back to sleep after the 3 hour sleep the night before, what I needed to actually do my assignment.
People say I overthink. I guess I do in the sense that I annoy others by constantly asking them if my thoughts are just thoughts or if they are true. But these thoughts pester me so much that I might go mad if I just suppress them.
My friend says I have everything, what do I have to feel insecure of? But I'm not insecure. I don't wish to be anyone else, nor do I wish to have more of something. Having everything doesn't stop one from having attitude problems and being mean. Something I believe is wrong with me, because I feel like I'm always doing stuff that hurts others through my words and messages.
I don't like me. I don't like the toxic me. I don't know. My head hurts.
No comments:
Post a Comment