Now playing: DAY6 - Congratulations
I honestly forgot how to blog or write or reflecthonestly to myself. Whatever. 2018 is over. We're 6 days into 2019 now and I've spent most part of the year so far binge-watching shows and movies on Netflix. Sleeping at 3AM. Waking up late. Getting gastric pains from skipping meals and going to sleep instead. Repeat. Ok nevermind, let's talk about whatever, no pressure, no structures.
How was 2018? It was indeed a complex year, too complex to be dissected and labelled into just one word. I'm probably going to repeat the other stuff that was already mentioned in previous posts, bear with me. I started the year with me in my internship with TFM, which ended around mid-February. I learnt a great deal there but I honestly think I could've done better if I had the correct mindset and if my mental state was better. I was busy feeling anxious and inferior to everyone else there who studied overseas and who was involved in various student organizations. I also had this period of being overwhelmed with this feeling of emptiness and being numb during that time sigh I remember trying to stop myself from crying on the LRT on the way back and even in the middle of carrying out work outside harhar. But yeah, the people were great and I couldn't have asked for a better workplace which places so much importance in helping you develop and grow.
Then the semester started. Again, looking back, I could only remember how content I was thanks to my university friends. I didn't do anything special, I hardly ventured out of my comfort zone or did anything I was especially proud of but it was... peaceful. Ok, adalah sikit-sikit join some stuff here and there but they weren't the main reason for my peacefulness. I volunteered as a teacher every week for refugee children from Myanmar, became a subcommittee writer for the university magazine MONGA covering events and writing articles, and together with my group of friends became research assistants for our psychology lecturer and senior every week and helped conduct psychological studies on students regarding attraction hurhur. Finals was hell though because it was right smack during raya and it was tough studying while being in kampung and all ahah.
I had some health issues going on which I honestly think didn't affect me that much, it just caused a mini panic for my parents and I. There were a lot of hospital trips, went to get an MRI scan twice, had my blood taken and went through electrocardiogram (ECG) probably five times throughout the year. Found out that 1) some blood was leaking back the other way in my heart 2) there's around 2cm of water/fluid around my heart 3) I've been living with a weak heart (literally lol), just a few % away from a heart failure and obviously a lot less than normal people. Every ECG had the people struggling to find my heart, or to be exact, the perfect image of my heart because the beating was quite weak. So now I have an excuse for my laziness and oversleeping and me being tired easily ahaha. On the bad side, my parents have banned me from doing sports or much physical activity, although 2018 still had me still sneaking to go hiking and playing captain ball and football (shh).
Then there was the exchange program to Melbourne. I can write about this for pages but I'll try not to. Academic wise, it was truly a humbling experience for me. In Malaysia, I was used to getting high marks for my assignments despite doing them last minute. It did not work there. There, I got continuous low marks for my written assignments one after another and of course I kept on thinking why why why ahaha. I actually really liked learning and going through the readings and never skipping a single lecture or class tapi masalahnya the technical parts of transferring them into paper for assignments tu problematic sikit hahah. Surprisingly too I did well for presentations with one of them even dapat 9.5/10 tapi the essay for that same subject markah melayang zzz. My love for the things I learnt helped a lot during finals I guess because my finals really saved my overall grades from being borderline passing to being pretty okay, Alhamdulillah. I guess a good thing that came out was that I found myself to be able to appreciate that there are bigger things in life than grades.
Again, here's a big shoutout to my friends. To my university friends back in Malaysia at that time who insisted me to reinstall Snapchat, and not a day passed without us sending snaps to each other, to our encouraging messages to each other when things were really tough and of sending pictures during lunch of us saving empty seats for each other even when we were in different places. Thank you so much to Ayu, Azlinah, Noosha, Jonathan sobs I'm getting emotional. To Annah who's a part of the psych gang whom I cling to in Australia and in Monash. We survived this together. Thanks for making me feel less alone. To Sharmilee who never failed to message me every day despite her going through her own existential crisis and Amira, for listening to my worries and so-called problems ahah. Here's to my Sri Aman friends in Melbourne, whose presence meant a little bit more sense of security, knowing they're there, especially to Chandra and Hidayati ahaha. For Hidayati especially, for agreeing to go on trips to wonderful places and getting to hang out a lot with. Thank you for helping out a lot especially masa nak balik Malaysia dah I don't know what would have happened without her, seriously.
So now I can't stop thanking people aaaa. Here's to my Sri Aman friends overall, I'm always feeling happy, inspired, content, excited and proud seeing whatever y'all are up to. Thanks for existing, really. To those who came for my raya open house, love watching you guys interacting with each other, livening up the place and just being the wonderful people you guys are. To those who came during my birthday, thank you. You guys remind me of how much I miss our school's environment, the energy, and support we give each other. My psych gang celebrated my birthday a few days after too and honestly when I went home, I felt very emotional ahah. I told my mum how much I felt like crying because I felt like I didn't deserve to be surrounded by all of these good, amazing people. I really felt like I was undeserving of anyone's love, of this much love (even if it's just nothing pun ahah)... I really am so, so thankful. Thank you to everyone else, because sincerely words here cannot fit in so many names. Every little action or words count to me, no matter how little we interacted afterwards, thank you to everyone who made my days a little bit brighter.
To music, especially K-Pop HAHAHAHAHA. Eh but seriously, K-Pop really helped maintain my sanity a lot and cheered me up this whole year. A special shoutout to DAY6, Seventeen, and IKON whose music and existence just made my life a lot brighter this year. DAY6 - I saw you guys perform at the Palais Theatre in Melbourne, and I felt infinite that night. Your whole discography is what I play every time I sit in the Matheson library to do my readings and do my assignments. Your music filled the emptiness I felt during the daily two hour transport total of going to and from the university. Seventeen - I finally learnt the names of all the members yay haha. Binge-watching your variety shows and reading your fanfictions were my self-rewards during gaps between assignments and your music never fails to cheer me up. Listening to Oh My while walking to the tram at 6.30 in the morning turned my dragging feet into happy skips. IKON - I am honoured to be able to fall in love with you for the second time. Finally watching your show brightened my days here back in Malaysia. No other song deserved the Song of The Year then Love Scenario, so proud of you guys! Wait this section is not only for K-Pop kan hahah. Last but not least, thank you Queen. Watching Bohemian Rhapsody by myself after finals was a life-changing experience. Your songs Don't Stop Me Now really pushed me to enjoy myself and do things unexpectedly and go for spontaneous, exciting trips during my final few days in Melbourne. Your song Killer Queen gives me confidence that I badly needed when I was facing terrible anxiety around people.
Alhamdulillah, I got to travel a lot when I was in Melbourne after my finals. I have to admit that these trips of seeing the nature felt like the light at the end of tunnel for me ahah as there were times when I felt very down during the semester. And at each place I got to go, it's always the same thoughts that pass through my mind. Thankfulness. Contentment. That there is something worth living for, among many others. I feel so thankful to be alive and blessed to be able to witness the beautiful creations of Allah. Suddenly, other worries seem to become insignificant and turn as small as a dot. Maybe I'll do a separate post each for my trips to the Great Ocean Road, Wilson's Prom, on the Puffing Billy train and to the Grampians (if I'm motivated or gigih enough lah so far ni malas lagi). I do acknowldge that I am privileged to have parents who allowed these trips to happen for the first time, and again, I am thankful for them.
My 2018 ended with me volunteering to be a mentor for this camp called Inspiresea which was an annual camp organized by the Malaysian student organization of Australia for secondary school students taking SPM in 2019. These were kids from different backgrounds, some whose parents beat them up, most still unsure of what to do after finishing school, some not even sure if they would continue tertiary education. These kids were so awe-inspiring. Most were very shy, unconfident and were not used to speaking English but by the end of it they were all shining brightly and could speak well in front of everyone, even in English no matter how fluent they were. There was even one boy who refused to speak much on the first day and even told his teacher he wanted to leave but during the last night for cultural night, he.. exploded? NOT IN A BAD WAY but like boy he went all out in performing and he got the whole hall cheering on him omg I was so touched and impressed. My group performed Flashlight and I got a rose from them I was like what where did you get this you guys were with me the whole time?? So one of the girls in my group had gastric and went to the clinic with her teacher... and she spent almost one hour afterwards terus looking for the flowers to give I M SO TOUCHED TT_TT. I really really wish all the best for all the students there for their future omg. During the last day everyone was crying and hugging everyone else ;; Sure we all got like only 3-4 hours of sleep and we all slept on the surau floor and showered in the school toilets every day but I felt so energized and content to be in the presence of everyone.
Ok I'm almost done. 2019 resolutions. Hmm. Firstly I guess I need to mend and improve my relationship with Allah. I felt like I have been a little bit terpesong haha and I could've done better as a Muslim honestly last year. Here's to fixing my niat in doing things so that it's for Allah. Next, is probably to be more accountable and take responsibility for my own actions? I think a lot of my meltdowns last year have been from blaming others, blaming the timing, blaming fate for unwanted events which I could have handled more.. rationally... and responsibly.. when in truth if I had reacted to them in a more mature way it wouldn't have been too bad actually. Finally, I want to feel less sorry and quit victimizing myself, to be stronger and not let slip to others to any internal conflict that's going on. I feel like I don't actually have real problems and need to stop overreacting or blowing things out of proportion, because in the end doing that hurts me more and makes things worse. Please note that these are personal wishes, what I want from myself only, and that no one else is obligated to do the same and I have no right to judge anyone else who wants to do the opposite of them even. Of course, sebagai contoh it would be awkward for any non-Muslims who read this to even consider the first resolution pun ahaha. So yeah.
I'm ending this post here with one of the best songs in my opinion to be released in 2018, coincidentally named Thanks hahah. You would expect the song to be a ballad by its name but it's surprisingly a very fast-paced and emotional song. Am putting the dance practice of the song here because it's the most beautiful part of the song in my opinion, besides the song itself of course. They included sign language for 'Thanks" in the choreography which makes this song a lot more meaningful too. The singers, Seventeen, produce their own songs and choreography, and out of all their energetic, sharp, synchronized dances, a lot of people agree this song Thanks to be their best. A lot more people who don't know them that well would be surprised because their other more well-known song, specifically, Don't Wanna Cry has a beautiful choreography as well... but nothing beats Thanks. Enjoy!
I honestly forgot how to blog or write or reflect
How was 2018? It was indeed a complex year, too complex to be dissected and labelled into just one word. I'm probably going to repeat the other stuff that was already mentioned in previous posts, bear with me. I started the year with me in my internship with TFM, which ended around mid-February. I learnt a great deal there but I honestly think I could've done better if I had the correct mindset and if my mental state was better. I was busy feeling anxious and inferior to everyone else there who studied overseas and who was involved in various student organizations. I also had this period of being overwhelmed with this feeling of emptiness and being numb during that time sigh I remember trying to stop myself from crying on the LRT on the way back and even in the middle of carrying out work outside harhar. But yeah, the people were great and I couldn't have asked for a better workplace which places so much importance in helping you develop and grow.
Then the semester started. Again, looking back, I could only remember how content I was thanks to my university friends. I didn't do anything special, I hardly ventured out of my comfort zone or did anything I was especially proud of but it was... peaceful. Ok, adalah sikit-sikit join some stuff here and there but they weren't the main reason for my peacefulness. I volunteered as a teacher every week for refugee children from Myanmar, became a subcommittee writer for the university magazine MONGA covering events and writing articles, and together with my group of friends became research assistants for our psychology lecturer and senior every week and helped conduct psychological studies on students regarding attraction hurhur. Finals was hell though because it was right smack during raya and it was tough studying while being in kampung and all ahah.
I had some health issues going on which I honestly think didn't affect me that much, it just caused a mini panic for my parents and I. There were a lot of hospital trips, went to get an MRI scan twice, had my blood taken and went through electrocardiogram (ECG) probably five times throughout the year. Found out that 1) some blood was leaking back the other way in my heart 2) there's around 2cm of water/fluid around my heart 3) I've been living with a weak heart (literally lol), just a few % away from a heart failure and obviously a lot less than normal people. Every ECG had the people struggling to find my heart, or to be exact, the perfect image of my heart because the beating was quite weak. So now I have an excuse for my laziness and oversleeping and me being tired easily ahaha. On the bad side, my parents have banned me from doing sports or much physical activity, although 2018 still had me still sneaking to go hiking and playing captain ball and football (shh).
Then there was the exchange program to Melbourne. I can write about this for pages but I'll try not to. Academic wise, it was truly a humbling experience for me. In Malaysia, I was used to getting high marks for my assignments despite doing them last minute. It did not work there. There, I got continuous low marks for my written assignments one after another and of course I kept on thinking why why why ahaha. I actually really liked learning and going through the readings and never skipping a single lecture or class tapi masalahnya the technical parts of transferring them into paper for assignments tu problematic sikit hahah. Surprisingly too I did well for presentations with one of them even dapat 9.5/10 tapi the essay for that same subject markah melayang zzz. My love for the things I learnt helped a lot during finals I guess because my finals really saved my overall grades from being borderline passing to being pretty okay, Alhamdulillah. I guess a good thing that came out was that I found myself to be able to appreciate that there are bigger things in life than grades.
Again, here's a big shoutout to my friends. To my university friends back in Malaysia at that time who insisted me to reinstall Snapchat, and not a day passed without us sending snaps to each other, to our encouraging messages to each other when things were really tough and of sending pictures during lunch of us saving empty seats for each other even when we were in different places. Thank you so much to Ayu, Azlinah, Noosha, Jonathan sobs I'm getting emotional. To Annah who's a part of the psych gang whom I cling to in Australia and in Monash. We survived this together. Thanks for making me feel less alone. To Sharmilee who never failed to message me every day despite her going through her own existential crisis and Amira, for listening to my worries and so-called problems ahah. Here's to my Sri Aman friends in Melbourne, whose presence meant a little bit more sense of security, knowing they're there, especially to Chandra and Hidayati ahaha. For Hidayati especially, for agreeing to go on trips to wonderful places and getting to hang out a lot with. Thank you for helping out a lot especially masa nak balik Malaysia dah I don't know what would have happened without her, seriously.
So now I can't stop thanking people aaaa. Here's to my Sri Aman friends overall, I'm always feeling happy, inspired, content, excited and proud seeing whatever y'all are up to. Thanks for existing, really. To those who came for my raya open house, love watching you guys interacting with each other, livening up the place and just being the wonderful people you guys are. To those who came during my birthday, thank you. You guys remind me of how much I miss our school's environment, the energy, and support we give each other. My psych gang celebrated my birthday a few days after too and honestly when I went home, I felt very emotional ahah. I told my mum how much I felt like crying because I felt like I didn't deserve to be surrounded by all of these good, amazing people. I really felt like I was undeserving of anyone's love, of this much love (even if it's just nothing pun ahah)... I really am so, so thankful. Thank you to everyone else, because sincerely words here cannot fit in so many names. Every little action or words count to me, no matter how little we interacted afterwards, thank you to everyone who made my days a little bit brighter.
To music, especially K-Pop HAHAHAHAHA. Eh but seriously, K-Pop really helped maintain my sanity a lot and cheered me up this whole year. A special shoutout to DAY6, Seventeen, and IKON whose music and existence just made my life a lot brighter this year. DAY6 - I saw you guys perform at the Palais Theatre in Melbourne, and I felt infinite that night. Your whole discography is what I play every time I sit in the Matheson library to do my readings and do my assignments. Your music filled the emptiness I felt during the daily two hour transport total of going to and from the university. Seventeen - I finally learnt the names of all the members yay haha. Binge-watching your variety shows and reading your fanfictions were my self-rewards during gaps between assignments and your music never fails to cheer me up. Listening to Oh My while walking to the tram at 6.30 in the morning turned my dragging feet into happy skips. IKON - I am honoured to be able to fall in love with you for the second time. Finally watching your show brightened my days here back in Malaysia. No other song deserved the Song of The Year then Love Scenario, so proud of you guys! Wait this section is not only for K-Pop kan hahah. Last but not least, thank you Queen. Watching Bohemian Rhapsody by myself after finals was a life-changing experience. Your songs Don't Stop Me Now really pushed me to enjoy myself and do things unexpectedly and go for spontaneous, exciting trips during my final few days in Melbourne. Your song Killer Queen gives me confidence that I badly needed when I was facing terrible anxiety around people.
Alhamdulillah, I got to travel a lot when I was in Melbourne after my finals. I have to admit that these trips of seeing the nature felt like the light at the end of tunnel for me ahah as there were times when I felt very down during the semester. And at each place I got to go, it's always the same thoughts that pass through my mind. Thankfulness. Contentment. That there is something worth living for, among many others. I feel so thankful to be alive and blessed to be able to witness the beautiful creations of Allah. Suddenly, other worries seem to become insignificant and turn as small as a dot. Maybe I'll do a separate post each for my trips to the Great Ocean Road, Wilson's Prom, on the Puffing Billy train and to the Grampians (if I'm motivated or gigih enough lah so far ni malas lagi). I do acknowldge that I am privileged to have parents who allowed these trips to happen for the first time, and again, I am thankful for them.
My 2018 ended with me volunteering to be a mentor for this camp called Inspiresea which was an annual camp organized by the Malaysian student organization of Australia for secondary school students taking SPM in 2019. These were kids from different backgrounds, some whose parents beat them up, most still unsure of what to do after finishing school, some not even sure if they would continue tertiary education. These kids were so awe-inspiring. Most were very shy, unconfident and were not used to speaking English but by the end of it they were all shining brightly and could speak well in front of everyone, even in English no matter how fluent they were. There was even one boy who refused to speak much on the first day and even told his teacher he wanted to leave but during the last night for cultural night, he.. exploded? NOT IN A BAD WAY but like boy he went all out in performing and he got the whole hall cheering on him omg I was so touched and impressed. My group performed Flashlight and I got a rose from them I was like what where did you get this you guys were with me the whole time?? So one of the girls in my group had gastric and went to the clinic with her teacher... and she spent almost one hour afterwards terus looking for the flowers to give I M SO TOUCHED TT_TT. I really really wish all the best for all the students there for their future omg. During the last day everyone was crying and hugging everyone else ;; Sure we all got like only 3-4 hours of sleep and we all slept on the surau floor and showered in the school toilets every day but I felt so energized and content to be in the presence of everyone.
Ok I'm almost done. 2019 resolutions. Hmm. Firstly I guess I need to mend and improve my relationship with Allah. I felt like I have been a little bit terpesong haha and I could've done better as a Muslim honestly last year. Here's to fixing my niat in doing things so that it's for Allah. Next, is probably to be more accountable and take responsibility for my own actions? I think a lot of my meltdowns last year have been from blaming others, blaming the timing, blaming fate for unwanted events which I could have handled more.. rationally... and responsibly.. when in truth if I had reacted to them in a more mature way it wouldn't have been too bad actually. Finally, I want to feel less sorry and quit victimizing myself, to be stronger and not let slip to others to any internal conflict that's going on. I feel like I don't actually have real problems and need to stop overreacting or blowing things out of proportion, because in the end doing that hurts me more and makes things worse. Please note that these are personal wishes, what I want from myself only, and that no one else is obligated to do the same and I have no right to judge anyone else who wants to do the opposite of them even. Of course, sebagai contoh it would be awkward for any non-Muslims who read this to even consider the first resolution pun ahaha. So yeah.
I'm ending this post here with one of the best songs in my opinion to be released in 2018, coincidentally named Thanks hahah. You would expect the song to be a ballad by its name but it's surprisingly a very fast-paced and emotional song. Am putting the dance practice of the song here because it's the most beautiful part of the song in my opinion, besides the song itself of course. They included sign language for 'Thanks" in the choreography which makes this song a lot more meaningful too. The singers, Seventeen, produce their own songs and choreography, and out of all their energetic, sharp, synchronized dances, a lot of people agree this song Thanks to be their best. A lot more people who don't know them that well would be surprised because their other more well-known song, specifically, Don't Wanna Cry has a beautiful choreography as well... but nothing beats Thanks. Enjoy!
i really feel something when they get into this part
Happy 2019!
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