Mahasiswi Harapan Negara

This was first written in January and I didn't continue writing the other half of this post about the positive sides in my 1st sem (trust me there were a lot too!) because I just gave up lel.

First and foremost,

HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!

We're 13 days into 2018 and I still cannot accept the fact that I'm turning 20 this year. 20. TWENTY. I mean, look at that, the first digit of my age will change after ten years noooOOooOo. Inside, I still feel like I'm 14. Anyway.

The title is inspired by my brother who likes to annoy me by repeating "Durrah dah jadi mahasiswi harapan negara" just because I'm a university student now #youngestchildproblems. So you can probably tell what this post is going to be about. Will most likely include some random emo stuff here and there hahaha plz bear with me. To make it more organized, let's separate this post into two parts: The Good and The Bad. Let's start with The Bad first because I want to end this post with a more positive note and get the negative stuff out of the way early.

The Bad. Where do I even start. I may sound like an entitled spoilt millenial snowflake (lol what do u mean 'sound like' aren't you actually one in the first place?). I cried a lot this semester. Boohoo. I guess adapting somewhere new will always be tough no matter where the place or what you're doing? Here's some irrational thoughts that I had that made me emotional (but is only laughable when I'm thinking back about it).

First, the degree that I'm doing is by far one of the least popular ones in this uni. Other courses like Engineering and Business had an average of 200 people enrolling in my batch. Mine? Around 20. During orientation my mind was flashing red lights wondering if I made the right decision. No one wants to study this? Everyone thinks what I want to do is not worth studying? It's not popular because there's no future in this? I'm going to be seeing the same faces for the next 3 years? What did I get myself into? Of course, the second last one was false because I didn't know how uni works like and I'll be sharing classes with hundreds of students from other disciples too for all the classes lol Durrah wake up it's no longer high school. But yeah those thoughts plagued my mind and made me emo ahahaha.

Second. Loneliness. As mentioned before, for the past one year I've been living in my residence with my friend Amira and hung out with mostly JPA people who were only coming in Feb for medic/pharmacy. Now I'm the only one staying in the residence with hardly any familiar faces and all my housemates don't talk or tegur to each other at all. It's the same routine every day of eating breakfast and dinner in my room alone in silence for months. Not to mention, other people from MUFY at least had one of their friends doing the same course as them so they all stuck together. Back in Sunway, a lot of people would stay back after classes to just hang out and chill anywhere. Here, everyone just leaves after classes. It was tough at first getting to know new people better but after a while it was ok. I'm thankful to have familiar faces like Azlinah, Tiffany and Sharmilee to talk to sometimes but otherwise, I'm really shy and unconfident in talking to new people so on most days I just go back to my room after classes and spend the next 16 hours alone.

Third. Studies. Having been in science stream previously and suddenly being in a somewhat arts stream felt like being pushed off a cliff hahaha (ok that was an exaggeration). Everyone was more opiniated, more extroverted, more outgoing and could socialize better while I was my usual awkward potato self. A compulsory subject I had to take was Globalisation and the first lecture was filled with the lecturer and other students talking about free trade, capitalism, Trump etc. and my head was like ????? I couldn't understand a single thing and we already had to decide on our presentation topic. Honestly felt like a headless chicken in the first few classes and for every reading, I had to use the dictionary every 10 seconds because there were so many new terms. Besides that, my uni's semester period was quite short, only 12 weeks in comparison to other unis with 14 to 16 weeks so everything was squeezed in within that short period. The failure rate was quite high. It was normal to have 3-4 deadlines for like reports, 2000 word essays, presentations, quizzes with big carry marks etc in the same week and have the same cycle repeated after a few weeks. I can't count how many nights my head just goes overdrive or blank thinking i can't do this i can't do this i can't do this and felt hopeless. Of course my whole family thought this was funny, especially my brothers who kept on telling me that "ni baru first sem dah macam ni".

Fourth. Other stuff. During a psych lecture, it was announced that we can fill up this questionnaire about anxiety for this Masters student thesis and later on he'll choose a few people to help with the project. I was one of the few students chosen and ended up having to go through this cognitive-behavioural therapy/counselling because my anxiety levels were higher than normal lel that explains me not liking interactions with people and being scared in social situations. I learnt a lot about myself from those sessions. I guess my mental health wasn't in the best position too and it didn't help that so many people were also confiding me with their problems and I was just overwhelmed a lot of times.. There were stories of heartbreaks, of a blind girl I help every week who feels helpless in her condition, of another depressed girl who attempted suicide before and needs constant reassurance... and I just felt like I couldn't take it anymore at times and dread waking up. As much as I wanted to listen to everyone, I couldn't and I felt so guilty. There were days where I cried three times a day and  during another mental breakdown (gosh why do I always have this) I called people (i really never do this unless it's urgent) but one didn't pick up after three times, another is working, another one confided me in her sad story instead and I thought wow I really have no luck in this hahahah and went to Befrienders. Wasn't a good experience either I honestly thought I could do better than the person answering. 

Thinking back about everything, hopefully next semester will be better? My parents have somewhat allowed me to stay at home (tbh I don't mind staying there too but it wasn't worth the price plus my home is only 15-20 mins away lol), I've learnt that panicking is ok but I shouldn't overreact too much because I actually can do well in things I thought I couldn't, my friends will be starting uni next sem too plus I've bonded with new people the previous sem so it's ok, and whatever man who cares about people not wanting to be doing the same thing as me you be you I be me whatever we need people from all sectors too? Plus I've learnt that there's such a thing called compassion fatigue, also known as Secondary Traumatic Stress which is quite normal in doctors and caretakers in which people have reduced capacity for empathy or become indifferent over time after listening or helping suffering people as a defensive method of their mental state from receiving secondary stress. I just need to realize when it happens, and to step back for a while to recharge. Here's to a better semester!