Drained.
Don't get me wrong, I wish everyone can be happier and I know everyone deserves to let out their suppressed emotions. I feel honoured and proud if I get to somehow assist in making that happen by just being there, listening (padahal takde effect mana pun lol). Heck isn't that the reason why I wanted to pursue what I am studying now?
But sometimes it gets too much.
Yasmin Mogahed once said that you need to train your heart to be like glass. You can't let it be like sponges whereby you absorb one's sadness and in turn it affects your emotions and thoughts too downhill. Nor can you let it be like a rock, unable to empathize with someone's hardships thus being insensitive. By being glass-like, you're letting people's emotions to get through your heart to be understood, yet your heart remains steady and strong to comfort others.
I am afraid I have yet to reach that point.
There have been times this year whereby I break down after prayers thinking of how heartbreaking were the thoughts of those suicidal. There are times where I find it hard to sleep thinking of all the things people have confided me with. Of heartbreaks. Of suicidal thoughts and self-harm. Of a blind girl who feels helpless in her studies and thinks she can't take it anymore. And I am tired. Tired of it all. I feel what they are saying and the problem is I feel too much and I am sick of it. I am sick of being the trash can for people to talk about their problems too as they drag me down with them. I am sick of the guilt, of the nausea rising as I am blamed for not answering to one's message of thoughts of cutting due to me being sick. I am sick of being guilt-tripped, that no matter how much I try to help and listen to someone and be there, they still insist that NO ONE was there for them. I am sick of helping, of changing bedsheets and calling one when they needed help and listening to their problems till late night with me being tired of sports and not getting to eat dinner to never be mentioned in their daily postings of people they had fun with. I am sick of feeling helpless, that no matter how much you try to help someone, you simply cannot.
Recently I had a deep talk with someone and as I told him that I simply cannot handle being there for others anymore he started accusing me that it was an excuse, that I was selfish and I couldn't be bothered with people's problems that weren't mine. As I tried explaining of the worries of my friends I just.. burst into tears with the overwhelming sadness of the accumulated problems faced by my friends. I'm so sorry for them. I'm so sad that they have to go through pain they don't deserve. I feel too much. I cannot separate myself just as a spectator of the pain faced by them. It has reached to the point where they haunt me in my dreams. I have a friend who attempted suicide, and recently she hasn't answered my messages asking her how she is. And in my dreams, she appears telling me I don't care enough for her, and when I told her that I tried to contact her but she didn't responded, she angrily said to me that I wasn't trying hard enough and I gave up too soon.
At times I ask Allah in my head, why did you bring all these broken people to be in contact with me when I cannot help them? Why me? And at times I muse myself thinking wow imagine Him receiving all the pleas of helps, of grievances and talks of despair. Yet He still asks for more and want us to confide more in Him.
I am worried about my heart being set to stone and being unable to empathize with others. Recently I feel like all I want is to be left alone. Others seek to live a successful life, to have their name remembered, to make history. I want to be forgotten. I would cherish my death alone as my body rots in an abandoned house without anyone making a fuss. People are tiring. Human interactions take a lot of effort. Everyone expects something from you, and they already have a set answer they have in mind when they talk to you about something. Everyone doesn't listen, they're just waiting for their turn to talk again. "How are you"s out of a sudden is probably because they want to tell you something and they're just waiting for you to ask them how they are back so they can fill you in with their stories. Probably explains why I spend almost every day after classes straight to my dorm bedroom without talking to anyone for the next 14 hours in the past few months. I am comfortable with my solitude.
I don't know when I reached this point and gave up on interactions with my friends. Perhaps it was months ago when I was sobbing terribly and I tried calling Befrienders, because even strangers were better at listening? Tried calling a few friends to ask for help, they ended up pushing a boulder of their sad stories to me instead so that sucked because I felt sad for them instead which added on to whatever problems I had.
Probably explains why I cling on to K-Pop so much ahaha. It's my last resort of something that expects nothing back from me. It's my escapism. For a while, my mind gets to forget all the world's problems and of the sad stories of the people I know to another happier reality. Watching it till my eyes get tired at night is me forcing my brain to be distracted and protected from the otherwise negative thoughts that loom over.
Regardless of that, I will try harder. I want to help others. I want to be sincere in listening. Wasn't it also me who mentioned to the anxiety therapist a few weeks back that one of my strengths that I am proud of is that I am patient in listening to others and not emotionally affected myself when others would usually just ignore one's sad story to tell their sad story instead?
Message to myself: Don't become a weakling. You've handled well on your own, you can continue doing so for the rest of your life. You've done well in fooling people that you don't care much about anything and you love making people laugh by making fun of yourself in an attempt to hide yourself. All the sufferings behind the scenes doesn't matter, as long as the end result is good, as long as the pics are of you with a wide smile, of your blog posts sounding cheery, of tweets being about K-Pop because your thoughts expressed would be dangerous, they musn't know the truth. You're doing well, as long as others think you are.
I just want the world to end fast so that everyone's sufferings could end soon.
Don't get me wrong, I wish everyone can be happier and I know everyone deserves to let out their suppressed emotions. I feel honoured and proud if I get to somehow assist in making that happen by just being there, listening (padahal takde effect mana pun lol). Heck isn't that the reason why I wanted to pursue what I am studying now?
But sometimes it gets too much.
Yasmin Mogahed once said that you need to train your heart to be like glass. You can't let it be like sponges whereby you absorb one's sadness and in turn it affects your emotions and thoughts too downhill. Nor can you let it be like a rock, unable to empathize with someone's hardships thus being insensitive. By being glass-like, you're letting people's emotions to get through your heart to be understood, yet your heart remains steady and strong to comfort others.
I am afraid I have yet to reach that point.
There have been times this year whereby I break down after prayers thinking of how heartbreaking were the thoughts of those suicidal. There are times where I find it hard to sleep thinking of all the things people have confided me with. Of heartbreaks. Of suicidal thoughts and self-harm. Of a blind girl who feels helpless in her studies and thinks she can't take it anymore. And I am tired. Tired of it all. I feel what they are saying and the problem is I feel too much and I am sick of it. I am sick of being the trash can for people to talk about their problems too as they drag me down with them. I am sick of the guilt, of the nausea rising as I am blamed for not answering to one's message of thoughts of cutting due to me being sick. I am sick of being guilt-tripped, that no matter how much I try to help and listen to someone and be there, they still insist that NO ONE was there for them. I am sick of helping, of changing bedsheets and calling one when they needed help and listening to their problems till late night with me being tired of sports and not getting to eat dinner to never be mentioned in their daily postings of people they had fun with. I am sick of feeling helpless, that no matter how much you try to help someone, you simply cannot.
Recently I had a deep talk with someone and as I told him that I simply cannot handle being there for others anymore he started accusing me that it was an excuse, that I was selfish and I couldn't be bothered with people's problems that weren't mine. As I tried explaining of the worries of my friends I just.. burst into tears with the overwhelming sadness of the accumulated problems faced by my friends. I'm so sorry for them. I'm so sad that they have to go through pain they don't deserve. I feel too much. I cannot separate myself just as a spectator of the pain faced by them. It has reached to the point where they haunt me in my dreams. I have a friend who attempted suicide, and recently she hasn't answered my messages asking her how she is. And in my dreams, she appears telling me I don't care enough for her, and when I told her that I tried to contact her but she didn't responded, she angrily said to me that I wasn't trying hard enough and I gave up too soon.
At times I ask Allah in my head, why did you bring all these broken people to be in contact with me when I cannot help them? Why me? And at times I muse myself thinking wow imagine Him receiving all the pleas of helps, of grievances and talks of despair. Yet He still asks for more and want us to confide more in Him.
I am worried about my heart being set to stone and being unable to empathize with others. Recently I feel like all I want is to be left alone. Others seek to live a successful life, to have their name remembered, to make history. I want to be forgotten. I would cherish my death alone as my body rots in an abandoned house without anyone making a fuss. People are tiring. Human interactions take a lot of effort. Everyone expects something from you, and they already have a set answer they have in mind when they talk to you about something. Everyone doesn't listen, they're just waiting for their turn to talk again. "How are you"s out of a sudden is probably because they want to tell you something and they're just waiting for you to ask them how they are back so they can fill you in with their stories. Probably explains why I spend almost every day after classes straight to my dorm bedroom without talking to anyone for the next 14 hours in the past few months. I am comfortable with my solitude.
I don't know when I reached this point and gave up on interactions with my friends. Perhaps it was months ago when I was sobbing terribly and I tried calling Befrienders, because even strangers were better at listening? Tried calling a few friends to ask for help, they ended up pushing a boulder of their sad stories to me instead so that sucked because I felt sad for them instead which added on to whatever problems I had.
Probably explains why I cling on to K-Pop so much ahaha. It's my last resort of something that expects nothing back from me. It's my escapism. For a while, my mind gets to forget all the world's problems and of the sad stories of the people I know to another happier reality. Watching it till my eyes get tired at night is me forcing my brain to be distracted and protected from the otherwise negative thoughts that loom over.
Regardless of that, I will try harder. I want to help others. I want to be sincere in listening. Wasn't it also me who mentioned to the anxiety therapist a few weeks back that one of my strengths that I am proud of is that I am patient in listening to others and not emotionally affected myself when others would usually just ignore one's sad story to tell their sad story instead?
Message to myself: Don't become a weakling. You've handled well on your own, you can continue doing so for the rest of your life. You've done well in fooling people that you don't care much about anything and you love making people laugh by making fun of yourself in an attempt to hide yourself. All the sufferings behind the scenes doesn't matter, as long as the end result is good, as long as the pics are of you with a wide smile, of your blog posts sounding cheery, of tweets being about K-Pop because your thoughts expressed would be dangerous, they musn't know the truth. You're doing well, as long as others think you are.
I just want the world to end fast so that everyone's sufferings could end soon.
cr: Ilham
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