Uncertainties

I am at a loss, really. Whereas almost all of my friends are already done figuring out what they would like to further their studies in, even since in Form 3, here I am still at crossroads about it. I am still so, so, unsure of what to do. Do I choose according to the available career prospects? Do I follow my passion? Do I just follow the flow and see what it leads me to? I don't know. I hope writing this will help clear my head a bit.

There are two sides of what I am interested in. One, is the pure science-related interests. In fact, my first ambition was to become a scientist. I used to love watching shows on Disovery Channel like Mythbusters and How It's Made etc. Even in school, I really took a liking in learning Biology and Chemistry (soz Physics bye). In tuition I was always one of the first to finish the modules and exercises given by the teacher (although I'm still quite unsure it's because of the subjects or because I want to impress the teacher). Also being a part of the Eco Rangers club for five years meant being involved in doing researches and experiments for our original projects, like the Caco Tiles and Bio-Enzyme where my friends and I have presented about them in exhibitions and competitions besides getting a few awards for it. I also admired how at the end of the Form 5 syllabus learning about the tokoh tokoh Islam, most of them were known for their findings in Science. I was also motivated to help my country as several newspaper headlines had appeared about the decreasing amount of Science students and the need for more scientific advances to improve Malaysia. To be more specific, I am interested in studying Biochemistry/Biotechnology/anything Bio or Chem related/. HOWEVER. My mum warned me that it is a very boring and dull life, and would I really want to sit in a lab for 24/7? Then there was also this time when I saw this bestselling book on MPH called,"Why do most grade A students end up working for grade C and D students?" Plus I did read this list of top 50 richest people in Malaysia with their careers, none of them science-related. Gulp. Even while Googling about it, I got very very discouraged reading so many articles and forums on how there were little career prospects in this field in Malaysia, and how a lot of the graduates regretted their decisions and just end up becoming salesmen or work in another country. . Mostly it was because of the government not really giving much funds for researches to be done. That statement however ultimately shows that there is a need for more students to boost this sector.

Now to the other side. The arts and social sciences side. Most of the career tests I've done somehow has artistic/creative-related futures on top of the results. Like graphic designing, fashion designing, interior designing, architecture etc. Gulp. From young, I have always loved drawing, writing and reading. In fact being a fashion designer was one of my ambitions in primary school, and a writer an ambition too after joining SA. (Tbh I have so many ambitions in the past like being a scientist, dentist, doctor, fashion designer, ustazah, archaeologist, writer etc.) Thus, you see this blog, and those stories and fanfictions I wrote on Wattpad and AFF. Which led me to joining the Starstruck! programme and write for the stuff@school pullout for two years and then interning as a journalist at The Star newspaper. Mass communication is indeed a very satisfying and exciting field, with a huge career prospect. Psychology is also one of the major courses I would love to be in. I like observing people and wondering about their actions. From past experiences, I liked reading and gaining more knowledge of mental disorders, their symptoms, forums on how people affected by it are dealing with it etc. I don't know, by studying psychology maybe I can learn the best way to help and understand others (and my) emotions better. It's just so so sad to see people struggling with them and not being able to control them, not knowing that it is not their fault wholly for feeling like that. HOWEVER. Going to this path, I did have thoughts like oh what's the point of me studying all those Science subjects for the past two years? Plus, there were hardly any scholarships for these fields. Once, my mum called a friend of hers to ask about studying Psychology and he replied, "Are you sure? With her results, shouldn't she do medic?" Yes. There's that feeling of being responsible to go to a profession that can give back to others more. And there's this guilt like will I take away someone else's chances in this field when I am just throwing away the golden chances for me to go study something more difficult as I do have the qualifications for it?

However, what I do know for sure that if things do not work out for me whether it is due of too much stress, midlife crisis or no sense of satisfaction in whatever career I have in the future, I know that I can always go back to journalism :D During my internship, I have met those who used to be doctors and accountants. You can go into it without a degree in journalism. So alhamdlillah lah dah ada Plan B to fall back into just in case.

So there you have it. Uncertainties. Please pray so that I would be able to make the best decision and be given clarity in what exactly do I want to do. And.. maybe an advice would be great in the comment section or chatbox? Hehe. Thank you for reading this!