Unpublished - 15th August 2014

Hello, good morning. Yep, another random project which would probably end in a week or so called Unpublished. Basically, Unpublished is when I post.. unpublished posts (duhh) from before although it is complete due to its content not being .. well, how do I say this, it doesn't fit with the style of writing I want people to read in my blog. Mostly annoying emo stuff you really shouldn't take seriously. Here is the first one, from 15th August 2014.

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sometimes i wonder if my mood is only divided into two:

1. when i hate on other people so much and hope they die

2. when i hate on myself so much i wish i could die so badly

today it's mostly number 2. hahahahhaa you don't know how it's like to be trying hard to study for a test when so many voices are screaming in your head telling you to die and how you don't deserve to live in this world and asking why you irritate everyone. thought it would be gone already with all the praying and begging to god during the fasting month where your prayers would be easier dimakbulkan, but then yeah i had to mess it all up and start it again by being one stupid annoying little bastard and get shouted at by someone i respect a lot and look up to. it felt like a slap. what hurts is that whatever she said were the same things i have thought a lot about my family members and i just thought.. sigh you're no different than them after all.. now i just feel relieved and saying thank you to her for pointing out which characteristic i need to throw, after all, she can't be the only one annoyed with it. i feel glad too to be the one she shouted at, i mean, she must have been really stressed and what i did triggered her to shout at me and i hope her stress has lowered down a bit.. 

screwed up the test by the way. as we all came back late because of the bus, all of us joined the others who were taking the test and had to finish a 1 hour 20 minute paper in 20 minutes. the teacher didn't even look once at us and i don't know.. she might be thinking that we came late on purpose. it's not like we had a choice and we came back from a ceramah agama gdi. won't even listen to us. how do i get ready mentally for my upcoming low marks. 

sigh.

trying to tell myself that it's just a bad day, not a bad life. but this is the same mind preparing ways for me to commit suicide and begging me to die we're talking about.

i don't want this...

i hate myself so much..