Post-ramadhan depression

Assalamualaikum and selamat hari raya aidilfitri to those celebrating!

Time flies, and yesterday was the first day of raya, my first time celebrating raya away from home, away from family. In all honesty, yesterday was.. not the best of days. Woke up to shower under freezing water due to the boiler at the Malaysia Hall being under maintenance perhaps haha, dressed up well at least and I think I looked okay, helped out with solat raya preparations and helped out with the packed food distribution, rushed to go to a Malaysian LSE classmate's open house as she lives an hour plus away, but it took more than two hours due to so many mishaps going on with confusing Citymapper and Google Maps directions, of cancelled trains, missed trains, going in and out of different stations, and not knowing about having to buy tickets beforehand, etc. Perhaps it was made worse due to spending half of the day not having eaten or drank anything since buka puasa the day before, so when I did buy hot chocolate at one of the stops... I ended up splling it over my baju kurung haha. Safely reached friend's place, food was amazing, it was a very comfortable place with several other Malaysian LSE classmates, rushed to go to another open house that I was very much looking forward to as it was the High Commissioner's one where Malaysia Hall volunteers during ramadhan were invited to.. only to find out I couldn't make it on time for it with the infrequent train schedule, and then thought I wanted to go to another open house that my cousin invited me to, only to being very aware of how exhausted I was and that my phone was dying - I didn't bring my charger and my power bank ran out. Ended up going back to pack my stuff and left back to my student accommodation with broken shoe buckles on both sides, while suffering from FOMO while looking at Instagram and disappointment over how the day went haha. There was also the realization that that was it, the end of any raya celebrations that I will ever have here, finishing up in just a few hours. 

Apologies for the negativity dump, had to let it out somewhere haha. Now. Back to ramadhan. I miss it already. As per previous ramadhans, went on to deactivate Instagram and aimed to focus more on worship to Allah for the month. Tried to participate in two tadarus groups, Aynn's one and AA Plus' one, in which I appreciated getting to read some of the translation for various parts of the Quran I previously did not reflect much on. Alhamdulillah, attempted to pray the sunnah prayers more often, especially solat sunat tasbih on Fridays. Went for most of my iftar at the Malaysia Hall, where I also volunteered at on some days to help out. Made new friends, met familiar faces, became closer to people who were only previously acquaintances, as we prayed taraweeh together. Even with friendly aunties too haha. Genuinely.. will miss the daily interactions and sense of community from being there, ramadhan felt less lonely compared to other months with the daily opportunity to meet people at Malaysia Hall. Kind of sad that there's no other reason to go there now? Also tried out going for iftar at Central London Mosque and East London Mosque, eating and praying alongside Muslims from all over the world. In terms of proper ramadhan vibes, was very much in awe at the surah recitations in these mosques and crying to them while praying. I became a night owl as my daily schedule turned to barely being awake and doing anything productive during the day, not going out at all, to only going out before Maghrib to break my fast. It was.. quite scary to be honest to be going back alone late at night after tarawih due to how far away my accommodation was from everywhere else, but alhamdulillah I made it out alive up until now haha. Also joined iftar with my university's Islamic society on several days, as well as on another day with a youth Islamic group connecting Southeast Asian Muslims (mostly Malaysians) that my friend invited me to. Got a mini crush on someone, only to find out that they were taken already hahaha. But yeah, also came to the realization that it would be great to be able to be with someone who has a strong grip on their Islamic faith, while being financially stable, kind, highly educated, and thoughtful. Also had a chance to break my fast with fellow AA Plus sisters in London, in which I am inspired by especially of the older Malaysian sisters already living here and working in stable careers. 

Crying. So much crying. Felt easily affected by everything haha. Alhamdulillah, was given the opportunity to attend Mufti Menk's event attended by over 15,000 Muslims in London. Went for a talk on dua (prayers) by an author organized by my university's Islamic society, tears started falling as she talked, bought her book and felt my tears welling up every so often while reading it on various public transportations and finishing it. Although I deactivated Instagram, I kept my Facebook alive to see updates by my family members, which was not a good idea as I was fully exposed to the various racial and religious conflict going on in Malaysia in the fasting month. My heart ached badly and cried over the shattering of my idea of my home country being one where people loved each other regardless of their background, race and religion. Big disappointment over actions and words of people from my own community. 

On professional matters, am done with classes for the rest of my academic year in LSE. Had a mock exam. Started working on my assignments due next month, with one of them leading me to read up more about how the Orang Asli was treated in Malaysia, and again was shocked, terrified, angered, and disappointed over again, how cruel the people of my community, the Malays have treated the Orang Asli in the past. It.. really made me wonder if we were ever as "tolerant" as we say we are, if so much dark history was erased in the past as it doesn't fit in the narrative that is pushed out instead. 

Anyway, it has been a very... lonely raya as of now. Missing my home and family. Missing the raya environment and food. Missing everything back in Malaysia. 

Hope you have a better time than me.