Nenek

My nenek passed away last week. 

Between last week until today, everything went by so fast. The night before she passed away, my dad was informed of her being in the critical stage at the hospital, so he and my brother managed to get permission to cross states to the hospital she was in the next morning. It was also the same day as my Honours presentation, in which my marker was the head of the psychology department. It felt surreal, I was keeping up with updates about my grandmother on the family Whatsapp group and called my brother to ask how things were going on, minutes before my scheduled turn. The presentation itself was a blur, I remember not even realizing I was asked a question from being distraught until it was just silence and I asked again, "Sorry, did you ask a question?" to my marker. Checking my phone afterwards, my grandmother passed away in the middle of my presentation. 

Everything was a bit rushed afterwards, from having to find all the necessary documents for the rest of the family to cross states, to getting permission from the police, to going back to my hometown for a few days for the funeral, tahlil, etc. I didn't have much time nor space to properly process the feelings. Only two days ago, when I'm already at home, and requesting for an extension for my assignment deadline and typing out the reason for it, did it hit me and I started crying over what had transpired in the past week. It sucks that with all these happening, I am expected to go on as usual and still expected to run at full speed with four graded assignments due in these three weeks, without having a chance to make time to properly grieve. 

I have many memories of my grandmother. Back in Form 2, there was a period of time for months in which my dad would pick me up from school and drop me off to the UM hospital every day to accompany my grandmother who was warded there whilst everyone was working. I actually learnt Korean during one of those days lying on the hospital floor while wondering what to do, with my phone on one hand and the newspaper in which I practised writing on in another hand. It was only last year that my dad and I brought her out to buy pretty potted plants, and another time we went to Jakel in which she almost bought the whole shop's stock for bedsheets lol. 

There might be things in which I disagreed with her in the past, but what I can undeniably be indebted to her for is for raising my dad into the responsible and kind person he is. I am always fascinated to look at old pictures of her and her family and listen to stories about her. She had always been known to be a very brave and outspoken person, she was the first woman to drive in our hometown in Temerloh. I can see how disciplined she raised my uncles, dad and auntie with the way they are always posed in pictures in a straight line like soldiers in matching clothes that she sewed herself. She knows her worth as a person, that's for sure and doesn't take nonsense. My aunties from my mom's side would say things to me like "Durrah memang cucu Mak Cik Siti," with all the cats we have at home, possibly inherited from her love of cats herself, with dozens of cats being taken care of by her back in kampung at one time. Although my mum likes to compare me to be similar to nenek whenever we disagreed, I'd like to think it's great to be keeping some sides of her in me. 

While it has been a distressing time, I am very thankful to the kind messages given by people, even of those unexpected and out of the blue, and it really made me realize that people are really looking out for each other? Which is heartwarming. I will definitely remember those who did went out of their way to do so. 

Anyway, may Allah bless my nenek's soul and place her amongst the righteous, insyaAllah.