"Do one thing every day that scares you," said Eleanor Roosevelt. But what if everything scares you? What if it'll be more surprising to go through a day without feeling anxious about something?
I'll be honest. Behind this 5'7" tall girl who keeps a poker face and monotonous voice most times, I am so bloody afraid of everything. Especially of people. I think my Instagram feed filled with group pictures is a coping mechanism used to hide the fact that I find socializing really, really difficult and I struggle to talk to new people.
What people see and what actually happens are two very different things. For example, people see my pictures of interning in Teach For Malaysia and meeting new people. What people don't see is me crying the night after my first day of interning because I was dreading the next day of having to meet new faces (yes it was that bad). What people see are the high marks. What people don't see is the constant racing heartbeat, the rising nausea and panicked thoughts of i can't do this i can't do this i can't do this happening while in a lecture, or doing an assignment, or while studying for exams. What people see is the pictures of me with other people here in Melbourne, supposedly having a good time. What people don't see is that I can barely speak a single word when with them and just followed along like a silent shadow, and avoiding most hangout sessions or any situation that would involve having to interact with them because social interactions are just too damn scary. The worst part for me in going home is thinking about bumping into anyone going out of the building.
Heck, I counted my heartbeat for fun while just thinking of having dinner with my family, who loves talking about politics at the dinner table. My heart rate went up to 110 beats per minute, when the average was 60. I run away in the opposite direction when I spot a familiar face when going out as a reflex action. I make excuses and panic whenever my mum insists that we go for the moreh session after tarawih prayers in Ramadhan. For a job interview, the interviewer mentioned that I sounded really scared on the phone. For a graded presentation in uni, the lecturer asked me if I was nervous because I sounded like it. Even in school, a senior who I needed to be in contact with told me to stop looking so afraid whenever I approached her.
They say avoiding it makes it worse. I should expose myself to more people and desensitize myself or something. So I try. So you see me signing up for a lot of stuff that looks good on paper, lel, like I've already had 3 working experiences and volunteered for so many stuff. But so far.. not much progress.
I'm trying to figure out what's wrong. From my experience, I am more afraid of the people I already know then strangers. I have no trouble sitting in front of a lecture hall in front of strangers. I can ride in a tram full of strangers too (but put a familiar face in it and I'll attempt to escape). I can participate in events or volunteering activities without knowing anyone. I have no idea why I get so scared of seeing someone I know ahaha. I guess it's the same feeling of being okay with strangers reading your tweets and replying, but feeling uncomfortable when your parents read them and question you about them (which they do for me actually hahah)?
Anyway, this has been a random post. Was feeling terribly anxious thinking about assignments, about exams, about the possibility of my parents coming here again after finals, about my trip back to Malaysia next month, about how the news are saying that climate change will cause the end of the world in 12 years, of all the possible future pathways, of the fact that someday I will die and wondering how it might be like, of not being good at anything, about wanting to be both significant and insignificant in this lifetime, about -
Thinking is tiring. But I am so thankful to it for the many more things it has blessed me with. But still. Maybe I should look into mindfulness.
I'll be honest. Behind this 5'7" tall girl who keeps a poker face and monotonous voice most times, I am so bloody afraid of everything. Especially of people. I think my Instagram feed filled with group pictures is a coping mechanism used to hide the fact that I find socializing really, really difficult and I struggle to talk to new people.
What people see and what actually happens are two very different things. For example, people see my pictures of interning in Teach For Malaysia and meeting new people. What people don't see is me crying the night after my first day of interning because I was dreading the next day of having to meet new faces (yes it was that bad). What people see are the high marks. What people don't see is the constant racing heartbeat, the rising nausea and panicked thoughts of i can't do this i can't do this i can't do this happening while in a lecture, or doing an assignment, or while studying for exams. What people see is the pictures of me with other people here in Melbourne, supposedly having a good time. What people don't see is that I can barely speak a single word when with them and just followed along like a silent shadow, and avoiding most hangout sessions or any situation that would involve having to interact with them because social interactions are just too damn scary. The worst part for me in going home is thinking about bumping into anyone going out of the building.
Heck, I counted my heartbeat for fun while just thinking of having dinner with my family, who loves talking about politics at the dinner table. My heart rate went up to 110 beats per minute, when the average was 60. I run away in the opposite direction when I spot a familiar face when going out as a reflex action. I make excuses and panic whenever my mum insists that we go for the moreh session after tarawih prayers in Ramadhan. For a job interview, the interviewer mentioned that I sounded really scared on the phone. For a graded presentation in uni, the lecturer asked me if I was nervous because I sounded like it. Even in school, a senior who I needed to be in contact with told me to stop looking so afraid whenever I approached her.
They say avoiding it makes it worse. I should expose myself to more people and desensitize myself or something. So I try. So you see me signing up for a lot of stuff that looks good on paper, lel, like I've already had 3 working experiences and volunteered for so many stuff. But so far.. not much progress.
I'm trying to figure out what's wrong. From my experience, I am more afraid of the people I already know then strangers. I have no trouble sitting in front of a lecture hall in front of strangers. I can ride in a tram full of strangers too (but put a familiar face in it and I'll attempt to escape). I can participate in events or volunteering activities without knowing anyone. I have no idea why I get so scared of seeing someone I know ahaha. I guess it's the same feeling of being okay with strangers reading your tweets and replying, but feeling uncomfortable when your parents read them and question you about them (which they do for me actually hahah)?
Anyway, this has been a random post. Was feeling terribly anxious thinking about assignments, about exams, about the possibility of my parents coming here again after finals, about my trip back to Malaysia next month, about how the news are saying that climate change will cause the end of the world in 12 years, of all the possible future pathways, of the fact that someday I will die and wondering how it might be like, of not being good at anything, about wanting to be both significant and insignificant in this lifetime, about -
Thinking is tiring. But I am so thankful to it for the many more things it has blessed me with. But still. Maybe I should look into mindfulness.
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